


A Hard Rain is Gonna Fall

by VoidWhereProhibited (Kattywompus)



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Break Up, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Polyamory, Polygrumps, Post-Break Up, Substance Abuse, background Suzy/Holly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 13:27:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 34,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11715318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kattywompus/pseuds/VoidWhereProhibited
Summary: "I mean I don't think this is working. I mean... I think we should break up."---First they fall in love. Then they break up. Now Arin and Dan have to pick up the pieces and figure out what brought them together in the first place.





	A Hard Rain is Gonna Fall

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in a couple of months for the 2017 Game Grumps Big Bang! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I loved writing it. This was such a great challenge, and I got to talk to meet so many cool Lovelies, including my great artist and mixer! Links to their work can be found at the bottom!

Dan has just stepped outside when it really starts to come down. It falls in big, full drops, streaking clear to the ground. The parking lot outside the Grump Space is glistening black, all oil spills and rain puddles. He closes his eyes. The sound of it is almost deafening. 

He jerks around when he hears the door close behind him. 

"Arin."

Hair pulled back. Shoulders tense. Head bowed and anxious. Dan can't stand to look at him. But he can't look away.

"Are you okay?" Arin asks.

"It's raining."

"Yeah." Arin laughs. "I can see that. Feel that," he adds, emphasizing the word feel, and suddenly Dan is keenly aware of the raindrops hitting the back of his neck and all the hairs on his body stand up at once. 

Dan pulls his hood up, covering his hair and his neck and everything else that could be washed away in the rain. 

"I was waiting for you," Dan says. "I thought we could talk outside, but..."

"Let's go talk in my car," Arin suggests, and suddenly he's walking, and Dan is falling into stride beside him. Before he knows it, Dan is in Arin's car, which is the last place he wanted to be. 

The car is nice. Slightly used, with a faux leather interior. It's warm inside, and it smells warm too, for some reason; like coffee and old newspapers. Dan immediately feels cozy, and in response he can hear the alarm bells going off in his head:  _ Danger! Do not approach intimacy with Arin Hanson!  _

"I thought you'd be more comfortable in here," Arin says, cutting into his thoughts like he can read them. 

Dan doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. He doesn't know why Arin would want him to be comfortable. It doesn't seem fair that he's being so nice. 

Not when Dan's about to break his heart.

He reaches out and puts his hand on Arin's knee.

Arin immediately claps his own hand down on top, smiling. But Dan sees something else there, now that he's brave enough to look, something in Arin's eyes that look a lot like... fear. 

"Arin," he says. Then something is caught in his throat and he can't continue. False start. He takes a deep breath to steady himself, and then lets it out again, slowly. 

All the time, Arin is watching him. 

"Arin... are you happy?"

The other man takes his hand away and cocks his head to the side, like he's thinking. 

"Like, in general?" he asks. He's being playful. Dan tries not to sigh, caught between frustration and sadness. What is he supposed to say to that?

"More like... right now. With me." Dan's not sure that actually makes any sense, but at least he found some words. 

"Of course, Danny," Arin says, his voice soft. He sounds almost pleading. "Alone in a warm car with my boyfriend while it rains outside. It's perfect." 

Dan tenses when Arin says the word. 'Boyfriend.' It's a response he's been having the whole time they've been doing whatever it was they've been doing; seeing each other, dating, hanging out. Hanging out but with kissing. Whatever. 

Boyfriend. The word makes him feel sick, and that makes him feel guilty, and then he doesn't want to be around Arin, which is ridiculous because Arin is the only person who can make him feel better about the whole thing. 

He can't do this anymore. 

"I see," Dan says. Then he rushes forward, finishing the thought before he can stop himself. 

"Because, um. I'm not. Happy."

A silence creeps across the car. The only sound to be heard is the sound of the raindrops drumming against the windshield. The air is so hot and thick that Dan can barely breathe. 

"What do you mean?" Arin asks. His voice is trembling, like he's walking a tightrope. And Dan is the one who is going to knock him off.

Dan takes a deep breath and tries to steady his voice. 

"I mean... I don't think this is working."

Arin, for once, seems to have nothing to say. 

"I mean... I think we should break up."

* * *

 

**_Six months earlier..._ **

"C'mon," Dan presses. "My plans fell through, so I have another ticket. Just think about it."

Arin is a little annoyed, so he doesn't respond at first. He's finishing up the keyframes for an animation he's been struggling with for a while, and stopping in the middle of the motion like that really breaks his flow. 

Usually, Dan is pretty considerate about that stuff, but today he just walked right on up and started talking. 

"I don't even like hockey, Dan," Arin says, finally, putting his tablet pen down. He takes this time to turn around and stretch his hands and back. He's been drawing for hours. 

"You don't have to like hockey to have fun with me," Dan says, beaming down at him. 

Arin swallows a sigh. 

"Oh, so it's fun to watch a bunch of burly grown men chase each other around an ice court," Arin sasses.

"Rink," Dan corrects, softly. "And yeah. I kind of thought burly grown men slamming their bodies together would be your thing." His eyes are twinkling. 

"...okay, yeah," Arin admits, after a moment. "I guess it kind of is."

"And we can see the zamboni!" Dan says quickly. He's not giving Arin any ground. "Like when we played Ice Hockey. On Game Grumps."

"Oh, the zamboni! Oh yeah!" Arin says, remembering. He chuckles for a moment, considering it. 

Pros and cons. Pro? Doing something he's never done before. Con: It's a sports thing. Pro: There will probably be good food. Con: There will probably be beer, too. And people drinking. Loud people. 

Pro: Dan. Probably in some hockey jersey. Like, right next to him, grabbing him when they score, maybe doing that jumping hug thing you sometimes see in movies...

"Will we get to see a fight?" Arin asks, and watches as Dan's face breaks into a huge smile. 

It's not as loud as Arin expected. His experience with live sporting events is fairly limited, but from his understanding, the crowd is supposed to be rowdy. Boisterous. Typical sportsball types. He could feel himself tensing as he and Dan made their way from the parking lot into the arena. 

Instead, they were led rather quickly through the line; their tickets were checked and a very polite usher pointed them up the stairs to their seats. They didn't have to climb as far as Arin originally thought, and they found their row and made their way into their chairs. 

"Sweet," Danny says now, sidling into the narrow pathway, "aisle seat!" He gestures with one hand toward the seat in question, comfortably positioned next to the walkway. 

"For me?" Arin asks, feigning flattery. "Why, thank you, Dan!"

Dan just laughs and sits down, making himself comfortable. He stretches his long body out across the seat,  spreading his legs as he leans forward in the chair, studying the arena. Arin can't tell what he's looking for, so he just watches him look. 

He's wearing a too-big jersey over a a t-shirt: black and white and a steely blue color, with a stylized cartoon shark on the front. The ticket in Arin's hand says "SHARKS VS KINGS" on it.

"So, we're cheering for the Sharks?" Arin guesses. 

Dan does that thing where he jerks forward, his shoulders knitting together, letting out half a laugh as he turns to Arin. 

"I mean, I think I only mentioned it like, five times on the way up here," Dan says, incredulous. He says it like he's annoyed, but he's still laughing, and his eyes are all lit up from the excitement of being here. Arin meets his eyes for a moment and feels a shock in his chest, like something reached out from inside of Danny and grabbed him. Suddenly, all the anxiety and doubt washes away, and Arin is very happy he agreed to come.

"These seats are amazing, man!" Dan practically shouts, looking back over the ice. Arin follows his gaze, but he can't really tell what is supposed to be so amazing. 

"Are they?" Arin says, shrugging. 

Dan just shakes his head, disbelieving. 

"Look, we're in the mid-section, so we can see the whole rink, see?" Dan says. As more people file in, the white noise in the arena is becoming louder. While Danny speaks, he leans closer to Arin so he doesn't have to yell so loudly. His places his arm on the back of Arin's chair, and their shoulders bump against each other. The warmth from Dan's body in the chilly air makes Arin's heart do a little flip in his chest.

"We're like... 22 rows back," Dan continues, pointing out their seat numbers. "It's not as exciting as floor seats by the benches or side if a fight breaks out, of course, but we also don't have to whip our heads around just to follow the puck."

"Uh, sure," Arin says. He smiles a little, but he suppresses the urge to say something sarcastic. Dan just seems to be enjoying himself so much.

"The guys we're rooting are wearing these colors," Dan says, tugging on his jersey. "The other team is in black and white. They're the home team, the L.A. Kings."

"Oh, so we better keep our mouths shut if we don't want our asses kicked," Arin says, half-joking.

"Nah," Dan says, shaking his head. His hair goes a bit flyaway and he has to run his hand through it to get it back under control again. "Surprisingly, hockey fans are very polite and sportsmanlike."

Arin can't tell if he's joking.

"Oh, sure. It's the Canadian influence," Arin says, prompting Dan to giggle and roll his eyes. Arin smiles, bolstered by Dan's response. He keeps going, making dumb jokes about "Canadia" and how little he knows about hockey until, finally, the lights around them dim and the players skate onto the ice.

Dan leans forward and claps as his team skates in, following some little ritual Arin doesn't really understand. The crowd around him has finally erupted, some people standing up to cheer for their favorite players. It's so loud, and the loudspeakers so echoey, that Arin can barely make out what the announcer is saying. Then, before he knows it, the game has started. 

Once it's started, he and Dan are mostly quiet. It's easy enough to follow. Once he gets used to just how fast they are, Arin can at least keep track of  which player has the puck. Sometimes, someone will do some crazy maneuver and he'll lose track of it, but Dan seems to know when something is harder to follow, and clues him in. 

He lets him know why the crowd reacts, too. The big stuff - crazy passes and goals - elicit huge roars from the crowd as they jump up, either cheering for their team or jeering the success of their rival. Arin can follow that. But sometimes he finds himself a bit lost, and that's when Dan leans over to explain.

"Okay, see," Dan says quickly, after half the crowd starts screaming and rising out of their seats, "he just dangled the puck - that's like a fakeout - and shook off the defense long enough to pass it to someone who can safely-- SCORE!" Dan gets louder and louder as the player nears the goal, until he screams the last word right as the puck is shot into the net. Dan himself flies out of his chair like a shot, pumping his fist in the air.

Arin is still laughing at his friend, a little surprised by his enthusiasm. He hasn't seen Dan this excited outside of a Ninja Sex Party show. He feels like his chest is inflating, watching his friend enjoy himself so much, followed by the familiar dull ache as he squashes down the urge to reach out and... what?

Well, anything. This is Dan. Arin is constantly fighting the desire to touch him, or hug him, to put his arms around him or his lips to his skin. To push his hair back away from his neck and just kiss, or nibble the back of his kneecap. To find the spot that makes Dan crumble into a little ball, at his mercy, just once. 

By the time Dan sits back down, Arin has managed to evade these thoughts in favor of something less likely to send his best friend into a spiral of gay panic. 

"So, not that I'm not happy that you invited me and all," Arin says, leaning towards Dan, "but don't you have someone to invite who would be, I dunno... better?" 

Dan turns a little in his seat to look at Arin. His face is still flushed from jumping and screaming, and he's breathing hard; Arin can feel his warm breath on his face.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"You know, someone who likes hockey. Someone who even knows anything about hockey!"

"I told you, my plans fell through," Dan says with a shrug. That's as specific as he's gotten in the week since he asked Arin to come. "Aren't you having fun?"

"Of course! This is actually kind of great."

"Well, then I made the right call." Dan leans over, his arm stretching out across the back of Arin's seat, and places his hand on Arin's opposite shoulder. Then he brings his arm in, pulling Arin in close ,for just a moment, for a brief sidehug. 

The feeling of Dan's arm around him and his breath on his face sends shivers down Arin's spine. He breaks out into goosebumps and Dan pulls away. 

"Oh, dude," Dan says, watching the hair on Arin's arms stand up. "Are you cold? I know it can get a little chilly in here, what with it being an ice rink and all."

"Um," Arin says. A deer in the headlights. 

"Here," Dan interjects, not waiting for Arin to finish his thought - a good thing, since Arin didn't have one to finish - and begins to pull his jersey off. 

"What? Dude, no--" Arin starts, but already Dan is handing it to him, and he went through all the trouble of taking off a shirt while sitting in a chair, in a crowd, in public, while his game is goin on, and Arin's heart is pounding. Finally, after Dan presses it into his hands the second time, he takes it and puts it on. 

Luckily, it fits fine. It's long sleeved, and made of some light material Arin can't name, but it's very warm. Immediately, when he puts it on, he's overwhelmed by the scent of Daniel Avidan. It's enough to make him lightheaded.  He inhales deeply and is inundated by the power of it, then he lets out one shaky breath as he tries to get his heart rate back to an acceptable level. 

"Better?" Dan asks. He seems entirely oblivious to the intoxicating effect his stupid jersey is having on Arin. 

"Yeah," Arin lies. 

"Great!" Dan says. He's not even looking at Arin right now, his eyes locked on the game in front of them. He's tense; leaning forward, bouncing his left leg up and down. For some reason,  it almost looks like he's trembling. Arin briefly wonders if Dan is cold now. He wants to wrap his arms around the older man and warm him up.

Abruptly, in the middle of his thoughts, Dan whips his head around and smiles questioningly at Arin. 

"Hey, you wanna share a pretzel?"

Arin forces his thoughts back to hockey, and the game, and being here in the arena with Dan.

"I mean, it's not really kosher for my diet..." Arin starts, but even he can hear his lack of conviction. 

"Aw, c'mon, man," Dan says in that needling little voice he uses when he wants something. "They're huge, and I bet I could get us some cheese!"

Arin laughs, and suddenly sharing a pretzel and cheese with Dan at a hockey game sounds ideal. Fuck the diet.

"Okay," Arin concedes. "Fine. Where's the concession stand?"

"I'll go," Dan says, starting to stand. 

"No, no!" Arin protests. He puts his hand out to stop him. "This is your game. Your team. I don't really care if I miss anything."

"Yeah, but I'm the one that invited you," Dan says, pushing Arin's hand out of the way. "It would be rude of the host to make the guest go get his own refreshments. Besides, I know where it is. I'll be quick."

Dan steps out into the aisle and starts walking back toward the stairs before Arin can say anything else. After a few steps, he calls out, "Oh, tell me if I miss anything!" Then he jogs away and out of sight. 

"Oh, sure," Arin mutters to himself, turning around to face the rink. "Because I'm so reliable when it comes to knowing what is happening in an ice hockey game."

But he does his job. He watches the game. He tries to keep track of everything that's happening, but it's a lot to keep in his head. Still, it's fun to watch. He's not jumping up and screaming the way the people around him are, but he finds himself cheering after a particularly badass looking save by the goal keeper, and he realizes he wouldn't mind doing this again. He thinks of how Danny's face will look when he tells him that, and eagerly awaits his return. 

He waits. And waits. As the period timer ticks down, he starts glancing back at the stairs more and more. It shouldn't be taking this long, right? But maybe the lines were long, or Dan got held up in the bathroom or something. So Arin turns back to the game and tries to remember what the score was when Dan left so that he can tell him how his team did, and then the Kings score again, and Arin looks at the period clock again and then back at the stairs. 

After about ten minutes, he starts checking his phone. Maybe he got lost. Maybe he forgot their seat numbers. Maybe some Lovelies spotted him and he got caught up taking pictures or something. 

Five minutes later, the period ends. The lights go up over the crowd and loud music starts blasting from the speakers. As people around him stand up to stretch and leave their seats, Arin opens his text messages. 

"Hey Dan. Did you get lost?"

A few minutes later, bored, he shoots him a hockey emoji. 

Then an eggplant emoji, for good measure. 

A loud noise makes him look up from his phone. The echoey voice on the loudspeaker is announcing, over blaring classic rock and the sound of thousands of talking fans, that the zamboni ride is about to start. Arin watches as two large, truck-like vehicles drive out onto the ice and start driving in a huge circle, leaving shining trails behind them. The announcer is explaining how lucky fans can get to ride the zamboni; from the sounds of it, a very large donation should do the trick. Arin briefly thinks about how much Dan would love that for his birthday or something, then looks at the empty seat next to him with a flash of irritation. 

"Or not," he says to himself, angrily stuffing his phone back into his pocket. 

Once the zambonis have cleaned the ice - a remarkably hypnotizing display - the music gets softer and the lights go down in the audience. Not long after that, the players skate back onto the ice and the game resumes. Arin forces himself to watch it, suppressing the urge to turn and glance back at the stairs.

"Hey, sorry that took so long!"

Arin looks to his right, and there's Dan, a drink caddy and paper snack tray in his hands. He squeezes in front of Arin, handing him a soda as he passes, then sits back in his seat. 

"It's fine," Arin says, his spirits buoyed by the sight of his friend. And soft drinks. "What happened?"

"Well, first I ran to the restroom, and then I wasn't sure where the concession stand was from there," Dan says, somewhat sheepishly. 

Arin smiles, amused that his theory is proven correct. 

"...then I met this cute girl waiting in line," Dan continues. 

Arin's heart falls. 

"Oh," he says. He watches silently while Dan takes a sip of his soda. 

"Yeah," Dan says once he's finished. "And, well. You know how it is with cute girls. You're married to one!"

"Yeah."

"But I got the pretzel, though!" Dan says, presenting the red-and-white food tray. Inside, Arin can see a huge soft pretzel and two condiment cups filled with what looks like orange-yellow plastic. "They even gave me extra cheese, no charge."

Of course they did. Because you're just so damn charming, Arin thinks. 

He can't say anything. There's a huge lump in his throat, lodged there when Dan mentioned chatting up a cute girl. He knows it's irrational; it's stupid to get so angry over Dan talking with a girl for fifteen minutes or whatever. But he can't seem to swallow the feeling.

They eat in silence for a while, tearing off pieces of the pretzel and dipping it into the strange orange sauce. Dan seems to be only half paying attention to the game. 

"Looks like the Kings scored while I was gone."

Arin shrugs. 

"You were supposed to let me know if I missed anything!" He nudges Arin playfully. Dan is still excited, still having a good day. He has no idea that Arin's heart has been stepped on.

"You missed the zamboni," Arin says. His voice is harsh. Sharper than he'd like. It's loud in here, and he has to raise it to be heard, and he's finding it difficult to control the volume of his voice as his emotions rise in his throat like bile. 

"What?" Dan says. He sounds genuinely surprised. 

"The fucking zamboni, Dan," Arin says. 

Again, there's an edge. He forces himself to lower his voice, to soften. 

"I thought we were going to watch it together."

Dan opens his mouth to say something, then seems to lose the words, and it just hangs there, lips slightly apart. His eyes dart up and to the left, like he's thinking about something, then back to the rink, then to Arin.

"Oh, shit, man," he says. "I didn't realize!"

As Arin looks at him, he realizes he believes him. There's no reason for Dan to lie. It wasn't a big deal. At least, it wouldn't be to normal people. 

But Dan isn't Normal People. He's Slightly Off Normal at best, Totally Dorky at worst. He's the type of guy who would talk for a week about going to a hockey game with his buddy, not to see the game, but because he wants to show him the zambonis. And why would that guy miss seeing them, unless he'd totally lost track of time?

"It's okay," Arin says. Even though it's mostly the truth, it's hard to get out. 

"But it's not," Dan protests. He's leaning close to Arin, not even watching the game anymore. "It was going to be our thing, the stupid zambonis..." He trails off, and he looks pissed. 

"I'll make it up to you," he says, just as Arin is about to argue. "I'll take you out for sushi or something after the game, okay?"

Arin smiles, waving his hands in front of him in protest. 

"More food?" he asks. "You're spoiling me. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to woo me."

"Sure," Dan says with a laugh. He pushes Arin's hands down. "Wooing Arin Hanson with food. Sounds about right. But I gotta say, man, if I can get in your pants with just concession snacks and sushi, you're a damn cheap date." 

"Well, I mean. We'll just see how the night goes, Avidan," Arin says, turning back to watch the game.

* * *

 

If he hadn't known better, Arin might have thought it really was a date. After missing the zamboni, Dan did everything he could to cheer Arin up again. He made jokes and explained the game as best he could. He didn't even seem that sad when his team ended up losing in the end. 

Afterwards, he took Arin to a local conveyer belt sushi-slash-ramen place that Arin had been talking about for weeks, and paid for the whole meal. When Arin got home, he realized that he was still wearing Dan's jersey. When he texted Dan about it, he was told to keep it. 

"A memory of our date!"

Arin doesn't need a keepsake to remember the day. A week later, he's still thinking about it. The way Dan went out of his way for him, how he kept bringing up topics he knew Arin found funny, or would want to talk about. Letting him keep the jersey - the jersey that still smells like Dan, days later. It all swirls around in Arin's head until he can't see straight anymore and he has to force himself to think of something else. 

Arin hasn't been on a lot of dates, so he's not really sure what they look like. When he and Suzy started going out, they were too young for that kind of courting ritual, and now their date nights are mostly movies and Disneyland. 

It's something they've talked about, he and Suzy: the fact that they never got a chance to date as adults. To explore that space. They've been connected at the hip most of their lives, and minus their brief breakup, they've never imagined life without the other. They even tried dating someone once; the two of them dating one person. It ended badly, and put them off the idea of non-monogamy for a while, but Arin still sometimes found himself wondering what it would be like to date as an adult. Just him, no Suzy. He's mentioned it to her once or twice, but nothing ever come of it. He just thinks about it.

And Dan? Well, Dan comes up a lot.

Because when Arin imagines being with a guy, it's Daniel Avidan. 

It's not like he's never been attracted to men before. That's no secret. But it took him a long time to realize that he's more attracted to the person than the gender - and an even longer time to let go of the "straight" label. And as much as he can look at men like, say, Jason Momoa, and say he wants them on top of him, riding him 'til he's spent... well, that's a different thing from wanting to date them. 

And Dan. Dan is fucking  _ everything. _

He's smart, he's funny, he's been around the block. Experienced. And he's like, so nice. Like, the nicest guy Arin's ever met, practically. He's got this huge heart. He loves everyone. And he's such a great friend. Sometimes, Arin gets jealous about what a great friend Dan is to people that aren't him. 

And yeah, he's attractive. He's tall, and bony, and just the most fuckable thing Arin has ever laid eyes on. He can't decide what to do with him. Sometimes he wants Dan to just grab his hair one day; just grab him and bend him over the side of the couch and just start taking Arin right there. But other times he finds himself wanting the exact opposite, and he's filled with the need to climb on top of Dan and drive him crazy until he begs for him to stop.

But when Arin is thinking about Dan, laying awake at night and daydreaming, he's not imagining fucking him - at least, not most of the time. Most of the time, he's thinking of those moments when Dan is on the Grump Couch, and he's wrapped up tightly in his little blanket and he's snuggling up next to Arin, or falling asleep, and Arin just wants to reach out and brush the hair from his face.  To be allowed to touch him like that. To have a piece of Dan for himself. 

Then he remembers that Dan is straight-as-an-arrow Dan. He's Gay Panic Dan. He's, "Hey, it's fine if that's your thing but it's mostly certainly not mine, no sir," Dan, the Dan who has to mention that Arin has a wife the second their flirting becomes too real, the Dan who talks about how much he likes pussy whenever Brian jokes about sucking his dick. 

The Dan who has to spend 20 minutes flirting with some random girl at a hockey game just to No Homo the whole day.

Arin pushes the thought from his mind. That wasn't what happened. Dan just got distracted. And after all, she was supposed to be cute, right? And Dan's Mr. Straight, so why wouldn't he want to talk to a cute girl instead of spending time with his best friend?

And he's been talking to that girl a lot lately. At least, that's who Arin assumes he's talking to. Because apparently - and this didn't come up until later - he'd gotten her number while they were chatting. 

But Dan has been spending a lot of time with his face buried in his phone, chuckling to himself. 

* * *

 

"I want you to meet her."

Arin turns around, his eyebrows raised, his mouth curling into a smile in response to Dan's proclamation. He has the face he makes when he's about to make a really idiotic joke, and Dan puts a stop to it. 

"Shut up," he says, preemptively. "I'm serious."

Arin's smile falters somewhat, but he still looks happy. He nods in understanding. "You seem like it."

Dan cracks a smile back at Arin questioningly. 

"Really!" Arin insists. "That's all I was going to say. That this must be pretty serious. It's pretty rare territory."

Dan laughs, relieved that Arin seems to be on board.

"What," he asks, "bringing my girl home to meet the Grumps?"

Arin joins him in laughing, picking up the bit. "Oh yeah, totally. Suzy will make sure she has your best interests at heart, and I'll have a serious discussion about getting you home on time."

"So which of you threatens her with a shotgun when I get knocked up?"

"Brian, of course," Arin says with a shrug.

Dan laughs in agreement. "Of course," he nods. 

* * *

It happens just a couple of hours into recording.

It's a late night recording session. They got started later than expected; appointments ran late, and then they decided to go out for dinner instead of just ordering it as usual. Once they finally got back, they started recording in earnest. They never even heard the storm roll up.

The result is that Dan and Arin are at the space alone when lightning knocks out the transformer just down the block that is powering their recording equipment. It happens before they can even process it: a crack of thunder shakes the building and there's a pop. Everything in the room clicks off with an electric whine. Arin can practically hear the electronics powering down. There are no windows to the outside in the soundproof studio. The room is almost pitch black, except for the light of Dan's phone, notification light blinking on the side of the couch. 

They're silent for a moment, taking in what just happened. 

"Shit," Dan says, finally. Then he starts to giggle.

"It's not funny," Arin says, reaching into his pocket to find his own phone. "We just lost all that footage."

"I guess so," Dan agrees, but he continues to laugh under his breath, and after a moment, Arin joins him. It's infuriating, but he can't help it. Dan's laughter is infectious.

Arin finds his phone and scrolls through, looking for weather alerts or messages. Suddenly, a low rumble shakes the building.

"That was thunder... Did you even know it was raining?"

"Nope. You can't hear anything in here, not when all the stuff's on."

"Shit."

He doesn't have any messages, so he holds his phone up in the opposite direction, trying to see around the room. As he scans the room, he ends up pointing it right into Dan's face.

"Ahh, dude, shine that somewhere else," Dan yelps, covering his eyes. 

Arin laughs. "Sorry!"

He turns the screen away and shines it around the room, scoping out the scene. All of the equipment is totally knocked out. They use industrial strength surge protectors, so hopefully nothing is permanently dead, but until the power comes back, there's no way to know. 

"So, what should we do?" Dan asks a minute later, as Arin looks around the room. 

"What do you mean?"

"Well, do we wait for the power to come back on?"

Arin is quiet while he considers it.

He wants to say yes. For one thing, he wants to make sure that the thousands of dollars of equipment is working. And if the power comes back on soon, they might be able to record something and salvage the recording session. Even if they only get a single one off done, it'll be better than nothing.

But they have no idea when the lights are coming back on. And the idea of spending even ten minutes in the dark with Dan makes Arin want to climb up a wall.

"I can stay," Arin says, finally. He can hear the hesitation in his own voice.

"If you're staying, I'm staying," Dan replies. Like he's arguing. Arin throws his head back, slamming his ponytail against the couch.

"Fine," he concedes. 

Arin does what he can to distract himself. The first few minutes are taken up by texting anyone who needs to be informed of the possible disaster of losing a couple of hours of footage, then asking if the recording equipment is covered in the insurance - which, luckily, they just jacked up.

"Are we covered for acts of god?" he jokingly texts Ross.

Then he checks the weather. The alert pops up on his phone a couple minutes after he's through texting everyone: Severe Weather Warning in effect for another hour.

"Great warning," Dan laughs when Arin shows it to him. "Would have been nice to know ten minutes ago."

Then they're done, and Arin is at a loss.They're alone. In the dark. And Arin has nothing else to do but wait, and ignore the fact that Dan is an arm's length away, wrapped up tight in his blanket.

"So, uh..." he says, glancing around the room. It's no use. He can't see anything. His eyes settle on the Dan-sized shadow on his left.

"Yeah," Dan says. His voice stutters for a moment, cut off by a deep inhale of breath as he yawns. 

"Getting tired already, old man?" Arin teases.

"Hey," Dan protests, pushing through the end of the yawn. "I got up early this morning."

Arin nods, then realizes that Dan can't see it. Embarrassed, he instinctively brings his hand to his face to hide it and bangs it into something hard and metallic right in front of his face. 

"Aaaah! Ow, ow, fucking shit," he yells, half jumping up. As he does, his foot hits something as well, and he lets out another curse. "What the fuck?"

"Whoa, dude, are you okay?" 

Arin can't see it, but he can feel Dan recoil next to him, climbing up the back of the couch. As he waves his hand up and down to try and shake away the pain, a sudden white light flashes into his eyes. Dan has pulled out his phone and revealed the insanity in front of him. 

"Arin, dude, what the fuck happened?" he asks. Arin can only see him half in shadow, but his eyes are earnest and concerned. 

Now that he can see the room more clearly, Arin realizes what happened. He'd forgotten about the microphone right in front of his face and had hit the huge metal shockmount with his hand. Then, as he'd jumped up, he'd stubbed his toe against one of Dan's massive shoes that he'd left in the middle of the floor.

"Hand," he says, still in too much pain to articulate the slapstick comedy that just played out in the dark. "Hit it on the mic."

"Ouch," Dan says, barely suppressing a smile. 

Good friend.

"Yeah. And then I stubbed my toe on your shoe, asshole," Arin retorts, somewhat incensed by Dan's amusement.

"The one time I don't put them by the door..."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." The pain in Arin's hand is finally starting to fade. He tries to examine it, but in the low light, it's too hard to see. All grey-blue and half in shadow. He doesn't see any dark bruising, though. 

He turns his gaze to the microphone. It's on a swivel arm, so he pushes it away to the right, where it's far from harm's way. 

"You might want to do the same," he suggests, gesturing to Dan's mic as he sits back down.

"Good idea," Dan says, and follows Arin's lead, pushing the mic far from the couch. As he does so, he presses a button on his phone and the screen goes dark, casting the room back into darkness.

"No more light?" Arin asks, his nervousness returning as the pain recedes from his hand. He'd take physical injury over whatever it is Dan makes him feel any day.

"Wanna conserve battery."

"Of course."

A few minutes later, Arin feels movement to his left. He tries to make out what's happening, but even though his eyes have mostly adjusted to the darkness, all he can see is a big lump shifting around.

Finally, he feels two feet poke out from under Dan's blanket and settle onto his lap. Dan is stretching out across the couch like he's going to sleep.

"Uh, hi?" Arin says, half waving. He's suddenly at a loss about what to do with his hands. They had been laying in his lap, which Dan's feet now occupy.

"Hi," Dan says, sleepily. "I'm just getting comfy."

"I can see that. Well, feel that, anyway," Arin says. He smiles, then bites it back down when he realizes Dan can't see it. 

"You can get comfy too," Dan presses.

Arin's heart starts pounding, like it only just remembered how to do its job, and he can feel it ache even as his mouth begins to speak all on its own.

"What is it, Danny? You wanna spoon?"

"No room on this couch," Dan says. He sounds serious, like he's thought about it. 

Arin takes a breath to steady himself. Get it together, Hanson.

"You never know until you try!"

Dan laughs, and doesn't say anything else. Arin is frozen. Panicking.

_ I knew this would happen, _ he thinks.  _ I knew I being within four feet of Dan would be the death of me. Why do I voluntarily go into rooms with this guy? Do something. Move, you idiot! Do something! _

Finally, out of desperation, Arin turns to face Dan and starts to lay down the other way. 

"Pass some of that blanket," he says.

And that's how Arin and Dan end up lying down on opposite ends of the couch, sharing a blanket, legs tangled up together. They lay in silence for a few minutes, listening to the distant sound of rain and thunder. After a while, Arin wonders if Dan has fallen asleep.

"I'm glad we're wearing socks," Dan says softly, surprising Arin. "Otherwise this might be kind of gay."

Arin laughs quietly. For some reason, he feels as though if he speaks too loudly, he might break this spell.

"Good to know that socks are the line between gay and not gay," Arin whispers.

"I would think you would know that," Dan answers, matching Arin's tone. Whispering.

"Why's that?"

"Because of your... uh... like, you know..."

"Because I wanna fuck dudes?" Even whispered, Arin's joke sounds too loud - too crass - but Dan's whispery laugh in response brings the mood back down.

"Yeah."

Arin doesn't really know what to say, but as he's thinking of a response, Dan continues. "So, um. I mean, we've talked about this before, so it's cool if you don't want to, but..."

"But?" Arin's heart starts racing again.

"But... so do you really like guys? Like, sex with guys? Dating guys?"

Arin's blood chills, and he can feel his heart rush it out to his fingertips and toes and for a moment he thinks he'd prefer no heart at all to this racing, aching, freezing thing he's working with tonight.

He swallows, and he wonders if Dan could hear it. Like a gulp. Like he's a fucking cartoon character.

"I, uh. I think so."

_ God, _ Arin thinks.  _ I'm an idiot. _

"You think so?" Dan's voice is even quieter than before. Arin has to strain to hear him. 

"I mean, I've never done it. Not really."

"Oh," Dan says. But something in his voice sounds weird, like this wasn't the answer he was looking for.

"But I think... yeah. I think I could date a guy." Arin can feel the heat rise in his cheeks, and for the first time he's glad it's so dark in here and Dan can't see him blush. 

"But how can you know if you'd like it if you've never done it?"

Arin pauses. His first instinct is to shrug, but he has to come up with something. He's being forced to articulate feelings he'd never been able to explain before, without relying on non-verbal responses. He feels trapped. It's terrifying. 

But it's kind of freeing too, he realizes. Here, in this moment, he feels like he can be totally honest with Danny in a way he's not sure he ever has been before.

"I don't know," he answers. His voice is thin. "I just... do, I guess. How did you know you liked girls before you dated one?"

Dan laughs, and Arin can feel him moving on the other side of the couch, like he's nodding. 

"Good point," Dan admits. "I guess I just... did. But still. How do you know you're really interested? Like, how can you tell if it's romantic, or sexual, and not just... curiosity?"

"Uh..."

"Sorry," Dan says quickly. "I didn't mean to ask a bunch of stupid questions..."

"No, no!" Arin cuts him off, raising his voice for the first time since the conversation started. He lowers it as he continues. "I mean. It's fine! I don't mind talking about it. It's good. But... I'm just not sure I'm the right person to ask, you know? I'm not an expert in being gay or anything."

"Hmm." Dan sounds thoughtful. "Maybe not? But you're an expert in you. And that's what I want to talk about."

Arin's heart feels full. About to burst. He lets out a little involuntary gasp of air, like exhaling will somehow relieve the tension in his chest.

"Um," Arin says, once he's recovered his voice, "well. I guess I don't know it's not just curiosity. I definitely am curious. But that's not all. It's more than that."

"I see."

"But I'm also not just, like, attracted to men."

"Well, obviously," Dan says with a laugh. "You're married to a gorgeous woman."

Arin laughs too, and runs his hand over his hair, pulling at his ponytail a bit.

"I don't mean it like that," Arin says, trying to explain. "Like, I don't just become attracted to men. I think... I think, more than anything, I'm attracted to the person. And gender just... doesn't matter to me."

"That's..." Dan sounds at a loss for the first time during the conversation. Arin can feel him sit up a little at the edge of the couch. He has a brief moment of panic that they've ventured too deep. That Dan is going to freak out and realize that he never wants to be alone in a room with Arin ever again. 

"That's weird to me," Dan says. His voice is very soft.

"Yeah," Arin says. His stomach starts to sink. It feels like his lungs are filling up with water. He has to focus on breathing so he doesn't drown.

"I'm not judging you," Dan says firmly. "I'm happy if you're happy. But... I just can't imagine gender not mattering. It's just... such a big thing."

Arin can only shrug; the equivalent of not answering at all. 

"Not to me," he says.

Suddenly, something occurs to Arin, and he's seized with a sudden bravery.

"You asked about being curious," he says. He tries to make his voice sound light. He's not sure he succeeds.

"Yeah?"

"Are you? Uh... are you... curious, I mean?" Arin can feel the words falling out of him, and it's a wonder they come out in the correct order.

Dan laughs; a short, sharp sound, like a gunshot. Arin's not sure he's ever heard Dan laugh like that before. It sounds painful.   
"No." Dan takes a breath and lets it out before continuing. "Well, maybe? I mean, sure! I've thought about it. Like, every straight guy is kind of curious, right?"

"I wouldn't know," Arin points out.

"Great point. Yeah, excellent point! You're... not really straight, huh?"

"I consider myself pansexual," he says, enunciating the last word like he imagines a college professor would. 

"So that's... pan, like everything, right? So you're into all genders?"

"Yeah," Arin says, unable to hide how pleased he is that Dan guessed correctly.

"Yay, I got it," Dan cheers, softly. He sounds very tired. "I know Greek root words!"   
"Is it Greek?" Arin wonders out loud, unable to keep himself from laughing.

"Man, fuck if I know," Dan says quietly. He yawns again, a big one this time. "I was just trying not to make a joke about you fucking kitchenware."

"And I thank you for that," Arin responds, sincerely. He snuggles down into the couch, getting more comfortable. The sound of Dan yawning is making him tired. "You honestly have no idea how often I hear that."

"I bet..." Dan trails off. For a moment, Arin wonders if he's falling asleep, but he continues suddenly. "I don't wanna make jokes. I'd never make fun of you, you know that right?"

"Sure, Dan."

"Really. You're like my best friend, besides Brian. It's like, insane how much I care about you."

"You too," Arin whispers, his heart throbbing.

"Yayyy," Dan repeats. It's so faint. Arin can barely hear him over the sound of the rain pounding on the roof of the building and the roll of distant thunder. They lay in silence for a while, just listening to the sounds. Eventually, after what feels like a long time, Dan's breathing evens out, and he starts snoring lightly. 

Arin can't move. He knows he won't be able to sleep - not here, not under Dan's legs, with his mind racing a mile a minute - but he also can't bring himself to get up. He's so close to him now, and the darkness and the rain and the steady breathing are all so hypnotizing. And he's so reluctant to give up this closeness. Who knows the next time he'll be able to lay with Dan like this? Possibly never. So he lays in the dark, his heart aching, unable to move or sleep.

Except that he must nod off at some point, because eventually he opens his eyes and the lights are back on. Not in the studio, which is still dark, but outside, in another room of the Grump Space, streaming through the window. And Dan is gone.

Arin sits up suddenly, disoriented. He reaches for his phone and checks the time. 

Almost 5:00 am. He's been out for a couple of hours.

"Shit," he mutters. Clumsily, his eyes heavy with sleep, he looks around the room for his things: his keys, his wallet, his shoes. As he's looking, he notices that Dan's shoes are gone too; the ones he left in the middle of the floor for Arin to run into. 

He can feel panic trying to rise up in him as his mind races. Did Dan bolt? Was tonight too much for him? Did it freak him out? Did Arin ruin everything?

He takes a moment to grab ahold of the thoughts and tries to use his mindfulness techniques to calm himself. No point in getting worked up about it now. After a few deep breaths, he's calm enough to get his stuff together.

Once he has gathered all of his things, he does a cursory check of all of the equipment. The flashing LEDs seem to indicate that all of it survived. Satisfied, he decides to leave a more thorough check for tomorrow - that is, later today - and head home to his wife. 

Arin is closing the door to the room when he finally sees Dan. He's in a corner of the office, sitting on a giant floor pillow under the single illuminated light, and talking softly to himself. 

"...never felt this way before. I have to see you. Tonight. Right now."

No, not to himself. Into a phone.

Arin tries to creep past quietly, desperately hoping that Dan won't notice him, already painfully aware that he's heard much more than he was ever meant to. He tiptoes across the floor -  _ who decided the office needed to be so god damned big? _ \- and he's almost to the door when Dan says it.

"I love you."

And Arin freezes. He can't move. The sound of Dan whispering those words into the phone have glued him to the floor. He just stands there, watching as Dan pulls the phone away from his face and hits a button on the screen. 

And suddenly, Dan's not talking on the phone anymore. He's staring at Arin. 

"So. You heard all that, huh?"

"Uh... yeah..."

Dan doesn't say anything. He just sits there and stares at his phone. 

"Was that your... girlfriend?" 

Arin curses himself for even asking. It's not like he actually wants to know the answer. But he had to say something.

"Yeah."

His heart sinks. He hasn't heard Dan use that word before: girlfriend. Not about any girl he's seen here in Los Angeles, anyway. It's always euphemisms: "the girl I'm seeing," and "ladyfriend." Never girlfriend. It's like anathema to him. 

"You love her, huh?"

"Yeah. I really think I do." Dan runs his hand through his hair nervously. He has outrageous bedhead, but somehow he manages to make it even worse.

"That's... that's great Dan."

"Arin..."

"I gotta go. Suzy's waiting."

Dan's shoulders slump.

"Right. Well, goodnight then..."

But Arin's already halfway out the door.

* * *

 

"Dude, did you get any sleep last night?" 

They're in the engineering room. Arin looks up at Brian, who is watching him with concern. He considers lying, but he sent a bunch of text messages last night about the power outage, and a few of those went to Brian. That's one of the reasons Brian is helping him now as he checks all the equipment for damage. He'd be able to sniff out the lie in seconds.

"Not a lot," Arin admits from the floor in front of the preamps. 

"Yeah, I could tell. You look like shit."

"Thanks, Bri," Arin says, laughing. "These are getting power." He climbs to his feet and walks over to the microphones so they can test those next.

"I mean it. You look terrible. You should go home and get some rest."

Brian's voice is teasing, being a dick as usual, but there's a rough edge to it. He sounds genuinely concerned. No nonsense. Arin can hear the dad in his voice, and it sends a little shiver down his spine; Brian could have that effect sometimes.

"I would if I didn't have to record with Dan tonight," Arin says, pressing through Brian's playful abuse. 

"Ah, right. Dan. Why doesn't  _ he _ look like absolute garbage today? I mean, more than usual."

Arin chuckles appreciatively and shrugs. Then, before he can stop himself, he responds bitterly. 

"Maybe because he stayed with his girlfriend last night."

Brian looks up from the screen he's been monitoring the microphones on and raises an eyebrow at Arin.

"His what now? Did you say girlfriend?"

Arin leans in close to the microphone. 

"Yep," he says in a deep voice, spiking the audio and trying to get a reaction out of Brian. He's not disappointed: Brian yanks away the headphone he's been holding to his ear and sets it on the ground. Then he shoots Arin a look. His eyes are irritated. Bewildered.

"The mics are fine," he says, gruffly. Then, "I didn't know he had a girlfriend."

"You didn't know he was seeing someone? The girl he met at the hockey game," Arin says. He  opens the door to the recording studio, holding it open for Brian.

"Yeah, I know that. Of course." As he speaks, Brian follows Arin through the door and onto the couch, where they both collapse. "But Dan is always seeing someone. That doesn't make her his girlfriend."

"Yeah," Arin says. He watches Brian out of the corner of his eye, as the older man climbs onto the couch next to him. "But I asked him last night, and he said she was."

"Wow," Brian says. He catches Arin's eyes and raises his eyebrows, as if to say, 'That's pretty impressive.'

Arin laughs, a short gruff laugh that doesn't sound very sincere at all. He remembers Dan's laugh from the night before and pushes it out of his head. 

"I didn't know you cared so much about Dan's love life," Arin says. He's going for teasing, but he's worried he just sounds curious.

"Right back at'cha, cowboy," Brian says, grinning at him. "Maybe we're just hopelessly in love."

Arin lets out a sigh, tempering it with a smile, hoping he doesn't look to pathetic. He can't bring himself to fake anymore laughs. 

"Or just hopeless," he says.

"Maybe." Brian sounds thoughtful, his scratchy voice softening for the first time. "Maybe we should just give up on him. You and me."

Arin glances over to find Brian looking at him earnestly. Their eyes meet for a moment, and for just a second, it's like fire. Arin's never looked at the older man like this before. Brian's eyes are so intense.

But before Arin can come up with a real response, the door opens.

"Hey," Dan says, walking through the door with a smile. "What's going on here? Did I just interrupt a romantic moment?"

"No," Arin says defensively, at the same time that Brian asserts, "Yes!" Arin looks at him for a moment with alarm. 

"Yes, Daniel," Brian continues. "The adults were having a tender moment, which you so rudely interrupted."

"Oh, excuse me! I wouldn't want to get in the way of any  _ tender moments, _ " Dan says, grinning. 

Brian looks up at him, stone faced and serious. "Well, you should have thought of that before you entered without knocking."

"We were just testing the equipment," Arin explains, gesturing through the window at the engineering room. Through it, he can see the monitors picking up their voices even now. "Making sure nothing got fried during the storm last night."

"Good idea," Dan says. As he speaks, he climbs over the back of the couch, landing between Arin and Brian with a comfortable  _ thud.  _ He stretches his arms out across the back of the couch, and beams at the other two men.

"But we finished," Brian says, moving to stand up. "So I'll let you two get to recording."

"Brian--" Arin starts, but he's not sure what to say. Whatever passed between them happened so fast he hasn't really had a chance to process it yet. He's saved having to find a real protest as Brian shrugs at him.

"You guys have a lot of ground to make up," he says, clicking a button on the equipment to stop the test recording. He looks directly at Arin and smiles. "We can finish our conversation later, Arin."

Something about the way he says his name makes Arin's heart flutter a bit. Then he notices Dan glancing between the two of them with a strange look on his face, and the flutter becomes full blown palpitations.

"Yeah," he manages as Brian exits the room. "Later."

"Laaater, Bri," Danny calls after him, leaning over the back of the couch playfully. He's all smiles and laughter, full of joyful energy. Arin can't handle that right now. He rolls his eyes and turns his attention to the small collection of games they brought in the night before.

"So," Arin says, spreading them out a little. "Let's get started."

"Oh, sure!" Dan says. "Let's do it!"

"What looks good?" Arin asks. 

"I dunno," Dan says, bouncing closer to Arin on the couch, leaning forward to examine the games. "What about what we were playing last night, when the power blew?"

"Kirby 3? Eh, losing all the footage kind of took the wind out of my sails about that one."

"Fair enough," Dan says, nodding. He's just a few inches away from Arin, their shoulders brushing against each other as he shakes his head. Arin bristles, feeling the goosebumps spread across his body.

"So then what should we play?" Arin demands. He can hear the coldness in his question.

"Uh..." Dan stammers. He's obviously surprised by Arin's attitude. In the back of his mind, Arin can feel a twinge of sympathy for the older man, who looks confused by Arin's chilliness. But what pushes forward is a rush of resentment; resentment that he has to feel like this while Dan gets to remain clueless.

Arin turns his steely gaze to Dan, unblinking, waiting for his response. 

"What's Wordtris?" Dan hazards. He looks like he's totally lost his footing, but he smiles at Arin anyway, clearly hoping to break through whatever's wrong and find even ground again.

Arin just nods and pulls the Super Nintendo cartridge from the stack.

"Let's find out," he says, getting up to put it into the SNES. He's trying to sound cheerful, but even he can tell it's not very convincing. 

"Okay, just let me grab a drink real quick. You need anything?" Dan asks, standing at the same time.

Arin shakes his head irritably.

"You sure?" Dan asks. Concerned. Trying to make things right.

"I'm fine, okay?" Arin snaps. "Go get your drink."

"Uh... okay," Dan says. He sounds hurt. Confused. 

Arin doesn't turn around to check on him as he hears the door close behind him.

He knows he's acting irrational. He knows he's taking out his jealousy and dissatisfaction with the situation out on the one person who deserves it the least. He knows that if Dan knew how he felt, he would do everything he could to help him. 

But it doesn't help. Knowing that the feelings he's having are stupid doesn't make them go away; it just makes him feel stupid for having them. Arin sits there, stewing in his own jealousy and bitterness and self loathing while he tests the game and waits for Dan to come back. 

He hears the door open, and, a few seconds later, feels the weight of someone sit on the couch. 

"I brought you something anyway," Dan says, handing over a La Croix.

Arin doesn't take it. He's still testing Wordtris, and he keeps his hands firmly on the controller, eyes locked to the screen. 

"I'll... just put it here then," Dan says. He sounds defeated. Finally, Arin can't pretend to be testing the game anymore, so he sets the controller down and turns to face Dan. 

"It works," he says. "It's got multiplayer, too, I think."

"It looks weird!" Dan says, smiling. 

"I guess."

Dan is quiet for a minute, then he sets his jaw, like he's deciding something. 

"Hey," he says, as Arin reaches for a pen so they can start recording. "Are you mad about something?"

"What do you mean?" Arin tries to sound nonchalant, but he realizes he maybe sounds  _ too  _ nonchalant. His voice is so casual that it's practically sarcastic. 

"I just wanted to know... I don't know. You seem like you're in a bad mood. I just wanted to know why."

"Why are you in such a  _ good _ mood?" Arin snaps. He instantly regrets it. Forces a smile.

"Why shouldn't I be?" Dan says, back to smiling once again. "The recording stuff still works, it's a beautiful day, and I'm here with my best friend--"

"So it's not because you spent the night with your girlfriend, then?"

Arin can't even disguise his mood anymore. It just comes spilling out, all on its own. He can hear how accusing his voice sounds, and he tries to stop it, but he can't. He feels trapped in his body while someone else takes control, pounding on the walls of his mind to try and stop himself.

"What?" Dan asks. He looks genuinely lost.

"You know," Arin says, desperately trying to sound normal. "After the storm last night. You went over there. Congratulations, by the way."

"How do you know that?" Dan asks, his voice raised for the first time. "Congratulations for what, exactly?" He looks defensive, eyes steely, but he mostly just sounds alarmed.

"I heard you last night, remember? I mean, it's no wonder you're in such a good mood, really."

"Are you asking me if I fucked my girlfriend last night, Arin?" Dan looks incredulous.

"Well," Arin says, suddenly self-conscious. He wants to deny it, but he can't exactly backpedal now. "You don't have to tell me."

"No, of course I fucking don't," Dan says, shaking his head.

Arin shrugs. 

"But I will anyway," Dan adds. 

"You don't have to--"

"Because I didn't," Dan says, cutting Arin off loudly.

"You didn't...?"

"Not that it's any of your business anyway, but no, I didn't get laid last night."

"Oh."

Arin just stares at his hands. He can't bear to look up at Dan. Finally, though, the silence becomes too much. 

"God, I'm an idiot," Arin says.

"What else is new?" Dan replies, his voice light. 

That's when Arin looks up and meets the other man's eyes. Dan is smiling, looking at Arin with a comforting expression. He's giving him a pass, Arin realizes. He's going to let it go.

"So, what's the deal with this Wordtris game?" Danny asks, turning to the screen. 

The deal with the game, the Grumps learn after they turn the capture on, is that it's pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. Tetris, but with words. It's weird: blocks fall from the top of the screen, and if letters are stacked on top of each other, the bottom letter gets pushed down the screen. The goal of the game seems to be to spell out words, eliminating the letters. If any letters hit the top of the screen, it's game over. 

The weirdest part, and they comment on this, is just how bizarre the game looks and sounds. The music is hypnotizing; strange and foreign, and half the screen is taken up with Super Nintendo renderings of circus performers. Clowns, fire eaters, a bear riding a unicycle.

It's honestly so weird - and a little creepy - that Arin is immediately sucked into the game. He and Dan play Versus, where they drop different colored blocks on the same board in an attempt to rack up the most points. It only takes a few minutes for Arin to forget he was even mad in the first place.

"Is it just me, or is this game kind of weirdly awesome?" Arin laughs after commenting on the strange picture on the side of the screen. 

"Well, it's a good thing we're recording this at night," Dan jokes. "Now I get to have nightmares! This is some of the weirdest shit I've ever seen."

"No kidding," Arin agrees, slamming a block down on top of Dan's, pushing his letter down and finishing a word. "Hah! I spelled EAT! More like eat my DICK!"

"What? You can do that? What the fuck!" Dan complains good naturedly. 

"That's just the way the game works, brother," Arin says, affecting his Hyper Competitive Douche Boy persona. "You gotta be smart and you gotta be quick, and I guess that's just me, ha ha! I'm the Wordtris MASTER!"

"You are such an asshole."

"I wonder if you can spell the word asshole," Arin wonders out loud, dropping the silly accent. "I wonder if Nintendo let that through."

"If we work together, we can probably spell it and find out," Dan suggests, laughing. 

"Nah, you're just trying to trick me into--" 

But Arin doesn't get to finish his thought, because as he's speaking, Dan's phone starts vibrating on the armrest of the couch. 

Dan looks at Arin in alarm, a look that immediately melts away into apologetic. Arin nods his forgiveness, something he's had to do many times over the years. Dan is ever the popular guy. 

"Mice!" Dan exclaims, finishing up a word after swiping away the notification on his phone. "Look, I spelled mice!"

"That was my E! You can use my letters?" Arin asks. "That's crazy!"

Dan and Arin play for a few more minutes, learning the ins and outs of the game, finally getting the hang of it in the last two minutes. Arin finishes with nearly twice the amount of points as Dan, who immediately challenges him to a rematch. 

"So, next time on Game Grumps?" he asks.

"Next time on Game Grumps!" Arin concedes, and Dan cheers. 

"Yeah! I'm gonna kick your vocabulary having ass!"

Arin laughs and writes down the time, nodding to Dan that he's stopping this episode now. 

"What do clowns have to do with word puzzles, anyway?" Dan asks, leaning back in the couch with the controller on his lap, waiting for the clock to tick over to an even time.

"I dunno," Arin says, shrugging. "What did colorful falling blocks have to do with the Soviet Union?"

"Good point," Dan says, tilting his head to one side. "Man, puzzle games in the 80's were weird."

"Everything in the 80's was weird," Arin says, and Dan laughs. "Aaaand, we're back."

"Hey! Welcome back to Game Grumps!" Dan says, leaning forward immediately. 

"Game Grumps Versus! We're playing Wordtris, this crazy weird puzzle game," Arin jumps in. "And I'm about to kick Dan's ass for the second time."

"Oh, you wish!" Dan says as Arin starts the second round. But right as they start there's another buzzing sound as Dan's phone starts vibrating again. 

Arin glances at Dan with his eyebrows raised, his eyes asking, "Again?" Dan just shrugs and glances at the phone again, ignoring the call. Then he mouths, "Sorry," to Arin.

Arin starts to nod, ready to forgive Dan again, but when he goes to reach for it, he finds that his forgiveness has run thin. 

"Is that her?" Arin asks. He says it casually, but Dan's head snaps around in shock. He did, after all, just say that while they were recording.

"Uh," Dan says, confused. Arin wonders if he's trying to find a way to make it into a joke. Irritated, he presses even harder. 

"The phone call just now. Was that your girlfriend?"

"Arin...?"

"Because I don't know who else would be trying to reach you right now." 

Arin sees Dan put down his controller out of the corner of his eye, but he deliberately keeps playing. 

"I don't see how it matters," Dan says. His voice is even, but Arin can tell without looking that he's not happy. 

"It only matters if she's going to keep interrupting us. Yeah, I spelled STORM! C'mon, Dan, I'm kicking your ass! You better keep playing if you wanna win!"

"She's not the one interrupting us," Dan says, his anger finally seeping through. 

"So it WAS her. Knew it. She's the only one who-- you've been really distracted lately because of her."

"Me?" Dan says. His voice is raised, and Arin finally turns away from the game to look at him. "God, Arin, what is this? I can't believe this."

"You can't believe what?"

"That you're being... like this. So unprofessional. We're supposed to be recording right now."

"I'm being unprofessional?" Arin shoots up, his anger propelling him out of his seat like a rocket. He throws the controller down and only just manages to avoid hitting the mic stand again. "I'm not the one getting phone calls in the middle of the session!"

"Jesus, Arin, I'm sorry, but you know I can't control--"

"No, I don't know. I don't know anything about your relationship, okay Dan? And to be honest, I'd kind of like to keep it that way."

"What?" Dan, who until now was glaring at Arin from beneath furrowed eyebrows, suddenly looks bewildered.

"You keep trying to bring it here. The phone calls, the texting, you wanting her to meet everybody--"

"That's what you're mad about?" Dan stands, stepping toward Arin, reaching his hand out. But Arin recoils, backing away from the gesture. "Arin, it's not a big deal, it's just--"

"Don't tell me what's a big deal!" Arin says. He's put off guard by Dan's attempt to reach out, and suddenly he can feel his eyes start to burn. He's losing it. He has to get out. "It's a big fucking deal."

Before he can hear Dan's answer, he's rushing out the door. He slams it behind him and books it through the hallways, keeping his head low and miraculously avoiding everyone else in the office until he makes it out the front door and to his car.

He isn't in the car thirty seconds before he loses it completely. Tears spill out as he squeezes his eyes shut in a futile attempt to keep them in, and he brings his fists to his eyes like he's going to put them back. His eyes sting, and when he opens them, all he can see is the blurry dashboard in front of him. 

Then he screams.

And he slams his hands on the steering wheel, and when that doesn't work, he starts stomping his feet against the pedals, and all the time he's wailing, releasing something that has been building inside of him for months. He screams for what feels like an hour.

Then, finally, spent, he lets himself cry. When he's done screaming, it doesn't feel like he has anything else inside him left to give, but he must have something in there because it comes up and chokes out of him, bringing with it tears and pitiful whimpering sounds. It's the final dry heave when there's nothing left in his stomach; Arin has vomited all of his emotions.

He looks around. The usually sunny LA sky is finally clearing up from the storm the night before, and the sun is hidden behind a cloud. When he finally checks his phone, it's only been fifteen minutes. He leans back in the driver's seat and sighs. 

"What am I supposed to do now?" he asks the empty car. His voice is cracked and hoarse from screaming. "I can't go back in."

He's answered by a knock on the window. He jumps in his seat as he recognizes the mop of hair and long, disparate limbs. Dan. He didn't even seen him walk up.

Arin considers ignoring him, but he can hear a small, rational part of his brain pointing out that ignoring Dan won't solve anything. He can't hide in his car forever, as much as he'd want to. 

He starts the car. Dan looks concerned for a minute, as though he thinks Arin is about to drive away, until Arin rolls the window down.

"Hey," Dan says. He's leaning down, resting his arms on the car door, and it feels like he's about an inch from Arin's face. "Everything okay?"

Arin wants to lie. He can see the opening, the chance to say that he didn't sleep well or that he was bothered by something else that was going on, but here he is, emotionally exhausted in the parking lot, and he doesn't have the energy.

So he shakes his head.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He shakes his head again.

Dan is silent for a second, considering. He stands up and stretches, then leans down a little again, this time with a smile on his face.

"Well," he says, "I think we should talk anyway."

Arin nods. Then, a minute later, he unlocks the car.

Dan's been in Arin's car before. Arin has driven Dan all over the place, from getting lunch to the airport to just picking him up to carpool to work. It never seemed weird before. But then, Arin has never been so acutely aware of Dan's presence before. 

"So," Dan says, turning to face Arin once he's gotten settled. "Tell me what to do."

"Excuse me?" Arin says, shocked into speaking. His voice is still rough from screaming.

"Clearly, I've been pissing you off. And that's fine, I get it! I've been spending a lot of time with Brian and TWRP, working on stuff for the tours, and then between that and my girlfriend, I haven't had a lot of time to record--"

"That's not it," Arin says, cutting him off. 

"It sure seemed like that was it," Dan says, skeptically. 

"Well, it's not."

"Then what the hell is it?"

Arin shrugs.

"Arin, look. If I'm doing something that's making you mad, because you think I'm not taking this seriously enough or something, then I want you to tell me. I do take this seriously. I love the Grumps, and--"

"Stop," Arin chokes out. He can feel the tears springing up again, his chest starting to tremble, like emotional dry heaving. 

"Okay, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to work harder--"

"It's not about that. It's not about the Grumps, okay?" Arin can't keep his breath steady. He's breathing in shuddering gasps, and he can feel the tears falling onto his face.

"Arin?"

"I'm not mad because you're focusing on your girlfriend instead of Game Grumps," Arin says. His voice sounds weak. "I'm not mad at all."

"Then what is it?" Dan asks. He sounds scared.

"I'm jealous."

Once he's said it, it's like it was always there. It echoes in his head, and for a moment, Arin can't focus on anything but the word, and how it sounded. It bounces around the car, between the two men.

"Jealous?" Dan asks. His voice is soft, like he's scared to speak. "Of--"

"Of her." Arin can't keep it in. Now that it's out, now that he's said something, he can't keep himself from feeling it, and suddenly it doesn't seem so important to try and keep it inside anymore. Suddenly, all he wants is to let it go. 

"Of your girlfriend. Because I'm in love with you."

He didn't know it was true until he said it, but suddenly Arin realizes that's what this is. Love.

Dan is just sitting there. And Arin is pretty sure he's about the watch the collapse of a five year friendship, but for some reason, he feels really calm. Because, god damn, saying it feels so good.

"What about Suzy?" Dan says, finally.

Arin laughs. Dan's eyebrows drop as Arin starts to grin. 

"I love her too."

"How?"

"I just do," Arin says with a shrug. "I think I can love more than one person."

"That's called cheating," Dan says, his face darkening. 

"Not if she knows. Not if she says it's okay." Arin feels himself becoming defensive, angry at the insinuation that these feelings are somehow harmful to his wife. 

"Does she know?" 

Arin can't tell if Dan is trying to trap him or if he's genuinely curious.

"She knows. A little." Arin shrugs, then watches out the window. The sky is starting to get dark as the sun dips in the horizon. "I told her about my feelings for you, back when they first started. She doesn't know how much... fuck,  **_I_ ** didn't know how much I cared about you until just now."

Dan nods. He seemed placated by Arin's response. When Arin looks back at him, he's staring at his hands in his lap.

"And she was okay with it?"

Arin smiles, nodding. 

"Yeah."

"When... did they first start?" Dan asks. He sounds nervous.

Arin tries to focus. He can't believe he's having this conversation. 

"God, I don't know. Probably the first day I met you."

A blush creeps up Dan's neck and he smiles uncomfortably.

"Really?" the older man asks, half laughing. 

"Yeah. What, you thought I offer to fellate every man I meet the day I meet him?"

Dan laughs, then he looks at Arin, and Arin is shocked to see the intensity there. Like something is burning in Dan's eyes.

"I thought you were kidding," he says, matter of factly. 

"I guess I kind of was," Arin admits. "But I don't think I would have been disappointed if you had agreed to it."

Dan laughs, that comfortable, Best Friend laugh he has that makes Arin's whole chest go fluttery. Only this time, Arin's chest feels tight, constricted, and he's afraid that if they stay in this car too much longer that he won't be able to breathe anymore. 

"I'm sorry I acted like a jerk," Arin says, trying to release the feeling in his chest. "I know it's no excuse, I just handled it badly..."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Dan asks, after Arin trails off. 

"What?"

"Why didn't you tell me that you felt that way? Why did you hide it for so long?"

Arin looks at Dan's face again, and that intensity is still there, still flickering in his eyes. He wants to know what the older man is feeling. 

"I didn't think it mattered," Arin says with a shrug. 

"Well, it clearly did!" Dan exclaims. "I mean, you've been acting weird for weeks, and then you go and blow up at me like that--"

"--I'm sorry--"

"Don't be fucking sorry, just tell me why you didn't say anything to me! Because it clearly mattered a lot to you."

Arin looks down at his hands. 

"I was scared."

He feels pathetic saying it. He can't even look at Dan to see his reaction. 

"I know you can't-- I mean, I can't do anything about the feelings. And I was worried that they would ruin everything. Game Grumps Our friendship. I don't want anything to break this."

Arin jumps as he feels a hand on his shoulder. He forces himself to look over at Dan.

He looks crushed. His eyes are red, like he's been crying, and his face is long and weary. He's looking at Arin like someone just told him Rush broke up. 

"Dan?" Arin can barely speak.

"I told you last night," Dan says, face serious, "you don't ever have to be scared, okay? I'm never going to leave you. Not for that. Not for anything."

Arin nods. His heart feels light. He takes another stuttery breath.

"We're good, right?" Dan asks. 

Arin nods again. "Yeah." 

And he thinks he means it.

"Good. Now, let's go have some food and see if we can actually get some recording done tonight!"

* * *

 

At first, Arin thinks everything is going to go back to normal. 

He and Dan spend the whole night recording and hanging out. Dan seems eager to put him at ease. He follows Arin's lead, laughing at all his jokes while they're recording and talking about the stuff that Arin is into when they're not. He even gently pokes fun of Arin's feelings and the way he handled it, like he wants to make sure Arin knows that it doesn't bother him. 

And Arin appreciates it. He really does. 

But when he gets back home to his wife that night, he still breaks down when he tells her about it. He can't help it; even though their friendship is intact, it was still a rejection. And that stings. But Suzy handles it like a champ. She's shocked that his feelings run so deep, of course, but then, so was he when he realized it. That doesn't get in the way, though, and she holds him until he falls asleep. And when Arin wakes up the next morning, he's sure that everything is going to be fine. 

And, oddly enough, it is. 

Maybe too fine. 

He spends the first week after he tells Dan about his feelings trying to give the man some space. It's hard, since their schedule for recording is so fucked up, and they have to get a buffer set up for the next leg of their tour, but Arin manages it by staying out of the Grump Space whenever he doesn't have to be there. 

But Dan keeps texting him. "Hey buddy, how's it going?" "What are you doing for lunch today?" "Look at the dumb picture of a sign that looks like a dick!" 

Not that Arin minds the texts. They're nice. And silly. And they make him laugh. But they're also a little out of nowhere. Dan didn't used to text him this often. 

Suzy tells him it's because Dan wants to make things right between them. She figures that Dan thinks Arin is still freaked out about telling him - "Which you are," she adds, as though that proves her point. 

So Arin texts back. And eventually, he can't avoid going back to the office. His workspace is there. His computer, his Cintiq, his friends. Dan. 

And at first, it's almost like nothing has changed. Mostly. Sometimes he'll look up from drawing and Dan is standing there, offering him a bottle of water. Or he'll be talking to Ross about something random, like drawing or Gameoverse, on the couch, and Dan will pop up and just listen. 

Most notably, however, is the physical contact. 

It starts with their shoulders touching, or Dan leaning against him on the Grump Couch. Arin tries to ignore it; not because it makes him uncomfortable, but because he can't let these feelings go out of control again. But it gets harder when Dan starts hugging him in the morning or before they head home for the night. Or when he comes up behind Arin while he's talking to Barry or someone, and just grabs him from behind. 

Arin finally has to say something one day, a few weeks after that day in the car, when Dan starts playing with Arin's hair. 

"You're friendly," Arin says, smiling. He can't help but smile, since Dan's hand is stroking his head. 

"I'm always friendly," Dan grins back. Arin has to crane his head to see him. 

"Not usually, uh... this friendly," Arin says.

"Really?" Dan asks. For a moment, the stroking of his hand slows and he looks thoughtful. "What do you mean?"

"Just, the uh..." Arin can feel his face turning red. "You know. The hugging and, like. This." He gestures vaguely toward Dan's hand.

"Do you want me to stop?" Dan sounds genuinely concerned. Almost like it never occurred to him that Arin wouldn't like this.

"What? No!" Arin responds on instinct. 

"Are you sure? I didn't really think about how this would make you feel, with your, uh..." 

Suddenly, Dan seems embarrassed about the situation. They're in the recording booth, Arin on the couch and Dan leaning against his back. They're the only ones around. But it seems as though he's suddenly gone tongue tied. 

"...my feelings for you?" Arin says softly. He can practically feel Dan's discomfort from here.

"Yeah."

Arin reaches up and grabs Dan's hand. Then he turns around, still holding it. It's electric, and just the act of grabbing it makes him feel like he's going to pass out, but somehow he keeps it together. He looks up at Dan seriously.

"I'm fine," he says. He's going for convincing. "But you don't have to do this."

"Do what?"

"Be physical with me. You don't have to... I don't know, prove that you're okay with me. It's fine."

"I know," Dan says, nodding slowly. He pulls his hand away, and Arin can feel his heart drop, just a little, in disappointment. Then, Dan slowly raises his hand back up and brushes some of the hair out of his face, and smiles.

"But I want to."

Arin feels the air get sucked out of his lungs - stolen by Daniel Avidan - and for a second all he can think about is leaning in and pressing his lips against Dan's to try and take some back. But the moment passes, and Arin turns back around, and he and Dan go back to talking about whatever it was they were talking about, and it's fine. It's perfectly normal.

This is what friends do.

So Arin lets Dan stroke his hair, and hug him in the morning, and bring him bottled water. And it doesn't go unnoticed. He's not the only one surprised by Dan's sudden fondness for physical affection. Almost everyone comments on it: Barry, Matt, Ryan, Ross, even Brian, who takes to referring to Dan as Arin's boyfriend whenever Dan's around. Arin originally objects, panicked that the joke will freak him out, but Dan laughs instead.

"What?" he asks Brian, nudging him playfully with his elbow, "You jealous? You'd rather be his boyfriend?"

Brian just rolls his eyes with a snarky, "Of course, Daniel. As if I could ever share Arin with you." 

Dan laughs, catching Arin's eye as if signalling something. After that, Arin just deals with Brian's nicknames and jokes.

The only one who doesn't tease Arin and Dan about their newfound closeness is Suzy. Maybe it's because she knows how Arin feels about Dan, or maybe it's just because she doesn't find the idea of two men dating very funny; either way, she never really comments on Dan's behavior toward her husband. 

But that doesn't mean they don't talk about it. 

"I'm just saying, it goes to show that you don't always know how people are going to react to things," she says one day when it's just the two of them. She's sitting at her desk, pinning some beatles for Psychic Circle with her hair pulled back.

"I think my hesitation was pretty justified," Arin replies. He's sitting next to her, watching her work.

"I'm not saying it wasn't!" Suzy says, glancing over at him. She's not wearing any makeup - it's a stay inside in pajamas day - but he still has to focus in order to listen to her and not think about how beautiful she is, just kissing her while she talks. "I'm just saying that you could have saved yourself a lot of grief if you had just been honest in the first place."

Arin shrugs. 

"I couldn't have known he would react that way," he says, defensively. "In the five years that I've known him, his reaction about gay shit has always ranged between 'Ew, gross' and 'that's fine, just leave me out of it.' And nothing on that spectrum implies that he'd take being the object of a man's affections very well."

"He doesn't seem to mind the shipping stuff the fans do," Suzy points out with a shrug.

"That's because no one talks to him about it. It's all online, it's all... removed from reality. Me having feelings for him is, like... real." Arin pauses, thinking. His wife stays silent, focusing on her taxidermy. After a moment, he continues. 

"What would even have been the point?

"What do you mean?"

"Why even tell him?" Arin asks. "I only told him because it was getting in the way of our working relationship."

"And your friendship," Suzy adds.

"Sure. But if I told him before that happened, before I blew up that day... why? What would be the point?"

"I dunno," Suzy says, shrugging again, but Arin notices she seems uneasy. Like she's hesitating.

"What?" he asks, in that voice that says he knows she wants to say something. 

His wife sighs and looks at him, turning away from her work. She takes a minute before she says anything, opening her mouth to say something and then rethinking it. Finally, she just blurts it out.

"Maybe... to date him?"

Arin just stares at her for a moment, then lets out a single laugh. 

"He's straight," he says, finally. "And I'm married."

"You are," she agrees slowly. "And he is."

Then she rushes forward. "But if he wasn't... I don't know, maybe you could have told him, and he wouldn't be, and if you wanted to, I would be fine with that."

"What?" Arin says, confused. 

"I'm just saying, if you wanted to date him, I wouldn't mind!"

Suzy's cheeks flush, and she bites her lip and looks away. 

"Oh," Arin says as realization floods his system, hitting him like a shock of adrenaline. "Oh!"

Suzy is burning in front of him, desperately looking anywhere but at her husband's face. It's adorable. 

"Yeah," she says in a tiny voice.

"You've thought about this?"

"We talked about it a couple times," she says, finding her voice. "About the two of us finding someone. I'm just saying... it doesn't have to be both of us."

Arin nods, a little overwhelmed. His brain can't really process what he's hearing. 

"It's kind of a moot point," he says, when he can finally speak again. 

"Yeah," Suzy says. "But you never know when this kind of thing will happen again."

"What, that I'll fall in love with my best friend?"

"Maybe," she giggles. She finally looks back at him, embarrassed but smiling.

Arin shakes his head. "Do you know something about Ross that I don't?"

"No!" Suzy exclaims, then starts laughing. "But, uh... well, just the way Brian looks at you..."

Now it's Arin's turn to laugh. 

"Right. I'll keep that in mind," he says. He smiles at his wife, and she beams back. She looks much more comfortable than she did before she brought this up. 

Suddenly, Arin has a thought.

"Wait," he says as it occurs to him, "are you saying this because you want  **_me_ ** to date someone else, or because  **_you_ ** want to date someone else?"

Suzy goes red again, and Arin realizes he hit on something. 

"Who?" he asks, eagerly. "Oh my god, Suzy's got a crush! Do I know him?"

"It's not... you know her," she says. Arin can barely hear her, her voice is so quiet and squeaky. When she sees his reaction to her words, she covers her face with her hands and lets out a high pitched wail.

"Okay," Arin says, once he's picked his jaw off the floor. He puts his hand on her shoulder. "It's okay! That's fine, Suzy. I love you, okay?"

She nods, a barely perceptible tilt of the head. Arin has to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

"Okay. Good. Now, tell me about her. I want to know everything." 

* * *

 

It's all anyone can talk about the first week after Suzy and Holly tell everyone they're dating.

They knew it would happen. They'd all talked about it: the two girls and their respective husbands. They'd discussed when they should tell everyone at the office, purely as a hypothetical, about a week in, during one of their polyamory negotiation sessions. They wanted to be prepared. They ended up deciding that they'd see where they were in six months or so, and take steps to tell their friends from there. 

But, as with so many things, it didn't exactly go according to plan. 

Suzy and Holly couldn't stay away from each other. It was like they were magnetic. Drawn together. Any time either of them had a free moment, they'd be jetting off to see the other. Suzy invited Holly shopping and Holly got Suzy in on her D&D group. But they were still busy women, and they did have husbands, and they were finding it hard to get a moment alone together.

Which is how Brian finds them making out in the bathroom.

After that, the cat is pretty much out of the bag. Ross and Arin have to assure everyone that, no, their wives aren't cheating on them, it's all fine, go about your business everyone. And, for the most part, everyone is respectful. No one asks Arin if he gets to "watch them" or anything like that - though one day, Vernon does nervously approach him to ask about whether or not he gets jealous. (Answer: "Constantly.")

But it becomes a lot to deal with. Even though no one says anything to him directly, Arin still knows they're talking about it. And the fact that he can't hear what they're saying makes it all the worse.Then, one day around lunch, Arin realizes that he hasn't gotten any work done all morning because all he can think about is what everyone is saying behind his back. Talking about him and Suzy, or Suzy and Holly, or him and Dan - and it all becomes too much. 

He sighs, and then he decides to do the thing he always does when he becomes overwhelmed like this: he decides to go meditate. 

He makes his way to the recording studio, which is the only room he knows has enough soundproofing to get the job done, as long as no one else is already using it. When he gets there, he checks the monitors, and they're dark. Luckily, it's empty. 

Except when he walks in the room, it's not empty. There's someone sitting on the couch. 

Dan. 

"Oh," Arin says right after he opens the door and sees him. "I'm sorry, I didn't think anyone was in here."

"Arin!" Dan says. He turns around, startled. He has bags under his eyes. Arin wonders if he was trying to take a nap. "You don't have to go."

Arin thinks about ignoring that, about making an excuse, turning around and leaving, but instead he just nods and closes the door behind him. 

"Did you need to do something in here?" Dan asks as Arin sits on the opposite end of the couch.

"I was just trying to find a spot to meditate," Arin answers truthfully. 

"Oh, man, I didn't mean to get in the way of your chill out time."

"It's fine," Arin says, chuckling at Dan's phrasing. "I just needed some space to clear my head, you know?"

Dan nods. He looks like he understands.

"What about you?" Arin asks, quickly changing the subject before Dan can ask what's on his mind. It's not really the kind of thing he wants to talk about right now.

"Me? Well, uh," Dan stammers. He gestures vaguely around the room, and for the first time Arin notices that he's holding his phone in his hands. "I was, um. Well."

Arin waits patiently for Dan to finish his thought. He can't believe how frazzled the man looks. He hasn't seen him like this before. 

"I just got dumped, " Dan says, finally. 

"What? When?" 

"Just now," Dan nods. He holds out his phone as though it's proof. "Like, right before you got in here."

"Oh," Arin says. He can't really think of anything else to say. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine..." Dan says, unconvincingly. "It was pretty much my fault."

"Oh," Arin repeats. He's never been in this situation before. "I'm sure it wasn't," he adds quickly, figuring that's the thing you're supposed to say.

"No, it totally was," Dan says with a chuckle. "I asked her to wait while I figured some shit out, and she didn't want to. Which is understandable."

"So she just dumped you?" Arin balks. "Her options were wait or leave, and she picked leave? I dunno, seems like an idiot to me."

Dan shakes his head.

"No," he says. "It's just complicated."

He sighs, and Arin watches him intently. He doesn't look sad or hurt. He just looks exhausted. The more he watches him, the more Arin realizes that he doesn't look like a man who just got dumped. He just looks like a man who hasn't been sleeping very well. 

"It was shitty of me to ask her to wait," Dan continues. "I'm just... confused."

Arin looks up and meets Dan's eyes. 

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Arin offers.

Dan looks down and shrugs.

"But, um," Arin says, hesitantly, "if you want to? I'm free right now. And I'll totally listen."

"It's kind of a long story," Dan says. 

"I don't have anywhere to be," Arin replies with a smile.

"There's just been a lot going on," Dan says. He leans back against the couch and tilts his head up, watching the ceiling. "I was working through some stuff when I met her. Trying... to get over someone."

"At the hockey game?" Arin clarifies.

"Yeah."

"I didn't know you were working through anything. You didn't tell me."

"Yeah, well." Dan sighs. He looks lost. "That will become clear in a bit, I guess."

"Okay," Arin says, nodding. "Sorry. Go on."

"Well, so when we started going out I told her that I didn't want anything serious. She said she was fine with that. She doesn't seem like the serious type, you know?" 

Arin has to stifle a laugh; it sounds like Dan finally met his match. 

"But I liked her. I mean, I really liked her. And part of that was maybe because I was glad to be dating someone who was actually available, like, someone who could like me back. After pining over someone who can't for so long... it's refreshing, I guess."

Arin can feel his heart rate spike as he sees himself mirrored in Dan's words. 

"I know how that feels," he murmurs, and Dan looks over at him. For a second, their eyes meet, and Arin feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest. 

"Well, then maybe you can understand why I acted the way I did. It was right after you and I had that talk in the office, after the electricity went out? And I went over to her place to tell her how I felt."

Arin nods bitterly. 

"The night you didn't have sex with her," Arin says. It's supposed to be a joke, but it comes out with an edge. 

"We didn't!" Dan insists. "Basically, I went over there and explained everything. About the person I'd been hung up on, and how confused I was now. It was supposed to be this great romantic gesture, but I just ended up spilling my guts out and embarrassing myself."

"I bet that went great."

"It didn't go so badly actually," Dan says. "Except that she told me she still wanted to keep things casual, at least until I figured out my feelings. So that's what I've been trying to do. But it's hard, because when I see her, I get all messed up again."

Arin looks over at Dan. His eyes are shining. Arin wants to reach out and touch him, but he's bolted to his spot on the couch. 

"So you told her you couldn't see her while you worked stuff out," Arin guesses.

"It wasn't fair," Dan says. "But it was all I could think of. And I can't ask her to wait for me..."

Arin realizes that Dan is crying. Not hard, but his voice is tight and constricted, and tears are peaking out from the corner of his eyes. Finally, he reaches forward and hugs him.

"It's okay," Arin says. He grips the man tightly, hoping that it offers some comfort. "It'll be okay." As he speaks, Arin can feel Dan starting to relax, feels Dan's body as he starts to break down. Dan's ragged breath on his neck, the feeling of his chest as he gasps for air.

And Arin holds Dan while he quietly weeps into his t-shirt.

It doesn't take long for Dan to regain his composure. Arin's not surprised. Dan a resilient type of guy. The rubber to the world's glue: whatever is thrown at him bounces off.

But Arin is surprised when Dan turns to him with a smile and says, "Hey, since we're both here at the same time, why don't we get some recording done? We still have to finish, like, what, twenty episodes before the tour?"

Arin just stares at him. The guy just got dumped, and this is how he wants to spend his day? He tries to imagine what he'd be like if he got dumped. Then he realizes that he's never really experienced that, and that his current relationship situation isn't really comparable to Danny's. 

'No,' Arin thinks to himself. Dan doesn't want to record. He just wants to not be sitting here crying.

"I have a better idea," he says out loud. 

"You do?" 

"Yeah," Arin says. "Let's go to Little Tokyo."

Dan perks up. Like a dog hearing the word walk, Arin thinks. Dan can't resist an adventure. Arin can practically see his tail wagging. 

"Are you sure?" Dan asks, hesitantly. He's clearly measuring his excitement. "We have a lot to get done today, right? The recording--"

"It's fine," Arin interrupts. "We'll get a bunch of caffeine and come here afterwards. Just don't wear your voice out singing karaoke."

Dan's face breaks out into a grin when he hears the word karaoke. 

"Should we invite everyone?" Dan asks. "Wouldn't Suzy wanna come?"

"Nah," Arin says lightly, standing up from the couch. "She's out with her girlfriend today. Besides, this is about you and me, dawg!"

Does he imagine Dan's face brightening even more when he hears that? Arin has to force himself to look away, or the sight of the older man's excitement might make his heart explode. 

They plan their exit strategy carefully. Arin knows that if they get caught sneaking out when they're behind on work, they'll get chewed out by just about everyone on staff, so he makes them come up with a plan. Dan will head out first, acting normal and talking to everyone, and slowly make his way to the car. Then Arin will follow a couple of minutes later, acting like he has to get back to work. That way, no one will suspect they're leaving together. 

"This is a little complicated," Dan says, laughing. "Can't we just walk out at the same time? No one is gonna notice."

"No!" Arin stresses. "They'll notice, trust me. We have to leave at different times."

"You're paranoid, Big Cat. But okay. Let's do it."

Dan leaves first, and then Arin follows a few minutes later. The plan, unsurprisingly, goes off without a hitch. He doesn't even run into anyone else in the hallways, just walks by people at their desks, working diligently. Suckers. When Arin gets to his car, Dan is already there waiting. 

"That was the stupidest shit I've ever done," Dan says, but he can't seem to stop laughing, and pretty soon Arin joins him. 

"It was pretty dumb," Arin concedes.

The traffic to Little Tokyo is light, probably because it's 2 PM on a weekday. When they finally arrive, they're both starving. 

"How do you feel about ramen?" Arin asks. "My treat, since you got the sushi on our last date."

Dan just chuckles in response. 

The ramen shop is one of Arin's favorites, this little hole in the wall that makes him feel like he's back in Japan. Dan says the same thing, and they spend most of the meal reminiscing about their trip a few years back and planning hypothetical future trips all over the world. The restaurant is slow, and Arin and Dan are seated back in a little corner, and they spend almost an hour just talking.

Once they're done with that, Arin insists they grab some mochi ice cream at a nearby shop and they walk the streets with their desserts, just window shopping. Dan wants to check out the bookstore, which has a ton of really cool authentic Japanese magazines and manga, and then Arin stops by Q Pop, a funky little store. Finally, though, they reach a karaoke bar.

They pay for one hour. They're led down a hallway and into a little room. It's kind of dark, but there are sofas and chairs all over, and a large screen hangs in the middle of the wall on the opposite side. 

"I think this place serves food," Arin says, flipping through one of the books laid out on a table in the middle of the room. "I didn't know that. I've only ever been to the other one."

Dan is busy looking through the songbook. 

"This has a ton of songs," he says. "Not just stuff in Japanese, either."

"Well, we are in LA," Arin points out. He walks up and stands next to Dan, peering into the book. "But you better expect me to sing some animu theme songs anyway."

"You're a nerd," Dan says, closing the book and rolling his eyes at Arin.

"That's motherfucking right I am," Arin says, taking the songbook and trading Dan the menu. "And you know you love it."

"I actually really do," Dan says, opening the menu and plopping down on a loveseat.

Arin feels his cheeks flush and decidedly doesn't look at Dan for the next few minutes while he tries to pick out his first song. 

"I think I might order a beer," Dan says thoughtfully, after a couple of minutes have passed. "Is Asahi any good?"

"I wouldn't know," Arin says, smiling despite himself. He's found a song, and is now trying to figure out how to work the remote. 

"Oh, right!" Dan says, slapping his hand into his forehead. "How could I forget you don't drink?"

"I thought you didn't either?" Arin is trying not to sound too judgemental; plenty of his friends do drink. It's just not something he's ever felt the need to do. 

"Yeah," Dan says, sounding kind of guilty. "But it's been kind of a crazy day, you know?"

"Well, go for it, man!" Arin says. "Let me know if you like it. And order me a Calpis Soda, if they have any."

Dan laughs. "Calpis? Isn't that that carbonated milk stuff?"

"That's the one."

"Dude, that's so gross. I can't believe you'll drink that shit but you won't drink alcohol."

"Don't knock it til you try it!" Arin retorts. 

"I have tried it, when we were in Japan," Dan responds, coolly. "But I'll tell you what. I'll give it another try tonight, just because you've been so nice to me today."

Arin laughs, trying to play it off, but he can feel his face growing warm again. He's starting to regret putting himself alone in a tiny room with Dan. Again. 

Once they've decided what they want, they use the phone to order their drinks. The woman on the other end says it will be a few minutes, so they decide to get to singing.

Arin goes first, which is weird because he's much more self conscious about his singing than Dan is. But he also already picked his song - "Cha La Head Cha La," the Dragonball Z theme song - and Dan is still trying to figure out which 80's power ballad he's going to destroy. But Dan doesn't get much looking done while Arin is singing; he's too busy cracking up at Arin's slightly too serious interpretation of an anime theme song. 

Then it's Dan's turn. He finally lands on "Heat of the Moment" by Asia - "no fair using songs you've recorded for your cover album!" Arin complains. But he's not really serious, because Dan sounds fucking amazing when he performs it.

And he is  **_performing_ ** it. He's not just doing the karaoke version in a tiny little room to an audience of one; while he sings, Daniel Avidan has transformed into Danny Sexbang, and he's hamming it the fuck up, like he is live on stage. He knows all the words. He doesn't even need to look at the screen, so while he sings, he's bouncing around, jumping from foot to foot, doing that little bumpy hip move he does, throwing his hair around. 

Arin wouldn't call Danny a good dancer, exactly. He's not very coordinated, and he doesn't seem to think about what he's doing. He's just moving. But that's what makes it so fucking sexy. Because it's not dancing. He's just letting the music move through his body, and Arin realizes, as he watches, that he wants to know what that would feel like. To be the music moving through Dan. He bites his lip, trying hard not to stare, but he just can't help himself.

He's still staring when Dan finishes. Lightly panting and flushed, he meets Arin's eyes. 

"I always thought that song should be a slow song," he says, breaking the silence. 

"Isn't it?"

Dan places the mic on the table and makes his way across the room to Arin. When he gets closer, Arin can see the sweat collecting on his forehead.

"Kind of, I guess," Dan says. "But it always struck me as really sad." He sits down, and starts reciting the lyrics. " _ 'I never meant to be so bad to you, one thing I swore that I would never do.'  _ It's about failing someone so bad, or loving someone so much, and only realizing it in one blazing hot moment."

"I always just thought it was about two people who have sex, like... in the heat of the moment," Arin says, while Dan smiles at him and shakes his head, incredulously.

Arin thinks about what Dan said. Was he thinking about his girlfriend - his ex-girlfriend, now - when he said that? Did that song choice reflect how he felt about her? Or did it reflect how he was feeling about his other thing, that confusing situation he's so vague about, having feelings for someone who can't have them back?

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door, and Dan jumps up to get it. It's their waitress with the drinks: a bottle of Asahi beer, a bottle of Calpis Soda, and two tall glasses to pour them into. Dan fumbles for a moment about whether or not to tip her, and then brings the tray into the room. And like that, the moment between Arin and Dan is lifted. 

The men open their bottles and take a break. True to his word, Dan takes a sip of Arin's drink. Arin can tell he's really trying, but he still makes a face and struggles to swallow it while Arin howls with laughter. Then Dan offers him a sip of his beer, which Arin politely declines. 

After that, they only have a little bit of time left before they have to leave the room, so they get back to singing. Arin picks a country ballad, something he can actually sing, even though he's embarrassed to do it in front of Dan. When he finishes, Dan applauds and beams at him proudly. Then Dan sings a Rush song, then Arin convinces him to sing an anime theme song with him. 

They pick Guren no Yumiya, the opening theme song from Attack on Titan, mostly because it's the only anime theme that Dan knows (other than Tank!, which doesn't really have any lyrics.) Since the lyrics are loud and intense, and in not just one, but two languages other than English, they end up mostly screaming a bunch of nonsense at the screen. By the end of the song, they're both in hysterics, Dan doubled over and gasping for air while Arin clings to his shoulder, still trying to finish the song. When the music ends, the both collapse on the couch.

"I think I'll leave the Japanese to the professionals," Dan says once he's caught his breath. 

"What are you talking about, that was great!" Arin wheezes. "I wish we had recorded that for posterity."

"You mean to show your wife and everyone back at the office," Dan corrects him. He lets out a long breath that sounds like a sigh of relief, and lays his head on the back of the couch. He's leaning over to the side, and if he moves one more inch, he'll be leaning against Arin. "I think we fucked our voices for recording, though."

"Maybe," Arin agrees. "We can always just try and see what happens, though. Unless you just want to go home?"

Arin looks over at Dan, trying to gauge his reaction, but the older man is stone faced. Arin can't read his emotions. Seized by a sudden suicidal impulse, he slides a little closer to Dan, so that their shoulder are just barely touching, and rests his head on the back of the couch next to Dan's. 

Dan doesn't react. He just runs his hand through his hair and looks thoughtful. Finally, he answers. 

"No, let's give it a shot. You were good enough to let me play hookie for most of the day."

"I played hookie too."

"Yeah, but you're the boss."

Arin rolls his eyes. Then he leans forward and looks at Dan seriously. 

"I'm not the boss, okay? That's bullshit. I'm just your friend."

Dan nods, clearly aware that he's struck a nerve. He leans forward as well, mirroring Arin's posture, and lightly places his hand on top of Arin's.

"Yeah. You are."

* * *

The drive home is quiet. They hit traffic about halfway back, and they move slowly but steadily back to the Grump Space. The sun is just beginning to set, and it's casting everything in that beautiful orange and pink LA haze. There are a few clouds hanging low in the sky, threatening rain, but they still look pretty, reflecting pinks and purples back at Arin and Dan. They silently watch the lights of the buildings and cars twinkle on, one by one.

Arin is thinking about Dan. Thinking about what Dan is thinking about. Wondering if he's thinking about the girl. He turned around so quickly before, when they were in the studio. He went from crying to fine again in no time. That can't be how he's really feeling. But Arin is paralyzed, unable to say anything. Unable to ask what Dan needs. Unable to give it to him. 

Traffic clears up once they get near the office. It's almost totally dark now, the sky an inky blue, and the slow rain is beginning to fall. The quiet, the night sky, the sound of rain and the cars outside and the cool evening air are all casting a kind of spell over him. He has to shake his head to break himself out of it. 

"I have Heat of the Moment stuck in my head," he says, breaking the silence. 

Dan just laughs in response.

It really starts to pour when the pull into the parking lot. Arin slips into his space and turns the car off, and suddenly all they can hear is the deluge raining down  from the sky.

"I don't suppose you have an umbrella," Arin says jokingly. 

Dan kind of smiles, but it looks half-hearted. Arin wonders is being back here is making him think about the break up. He tries to think of something to say to distract Dan, but before he can, Dan starts to speak. 

"I had a really great time today, Arin," he says. He's not being quiet, but it's raining so loudly that Arin still has to strain to hear him, and he leans toward him automatically. It takes Arin a moment to put all the words together into a meaningful sentence. 

"Oh," he says, once he figures it out. "I'm glad. Anytime." 

"But I feel bad about it," Dan continues, like he hasn't heard him.  "Because I didn't tell you the whole truth today."

Arin doesn't know what to say. 

"Oh... well, okay. That's fine, you don't--"

"No, listen," Dan says firmly. Arin shuts his mouth and nods. 

"Today when we were talking about the breakup, I told you that I went over to her house to tell her how I felt. About everything that was going on with me. Because I'd realized I'd loved her. But... that's not really what happened."

Arin nods, silently. 

"The truth is, I went over there because of our talk. The one you and I had."

Arin concentrates, trying to remember that night. The most vivid memory he has is of Dan's legs entwined with his, but he forces that thought of out his mind. After that, there's the brief panic when he thought that he'd freaked Dan out by talking about--

"What? The stuff about sexuality?"

Dan nods, solemnly. He looks crushed, but Arin can't figure out why.

"I had to go tell her," Dan whispers. His voice is raspy from all the singing, and he clearly has to work very hard to get the words out. "I had to tell her because I was freaking out."

"What were you freaking out about?" Arin asks. He's terrified. His heart is pounding in his ears, like all the blood has rushed to his head.

"You said some stuff that made a lot of sense," Dan explains. He takes a deep, shuddering breath, and releases it slowly. "You said that thing about gender not mattering, and how you can fall in love with the person, not the gender..."

"Dan..." Arin whispers. "What...?"

His mind is racing. He's desperately trying not to let his emotions grow out of control, not daring to hope that Dan is trying to say what it sounds like he's saying. 

"I've been thinking about it for a long time," Dan says. Measured, but quiet. He's staring at his hands. Arin can only half see him in the dark light of the parking lot. "I was scared. Too scared to admit it. But I had feelings for someone."

It's all Arin can do to keep it together. He's looking everywhere but at Dan. He feels like he's about to scream, and his mind is on repeat: oh god oh god oh god oh god. 

"I had feelings for a man," Dan says softly. "And I was so scared that I went and told my girlfriend that I loved her, even when I knew I didn't."

Arin wants to do something, he wants to put his hand on the other man's shoulder, but he can't, because his hand is shaking. He can barely breathe. He feels like he has to focus on it, or he won't be able to do it correctly and he'll pass out. 

"That's okay," Arin says, finally. He's desperately trying to remember what he said to Suzy when she told him about having feelings for a girl. "That's fine."

"It's not fine. It was shitty." He almost looks angry. 

"You were scared," Arin argues softly, trying to sound comforting. "You panicked. That's okay. You were having feelings for another guy--"

"You."

Arin pauses.

"What?" he asks. 

Because he's not sure he heard him correctly. No, because he's sure he  **_didn't_ ** hear him correctly. Because Daniel Avidan did not, he would not, under any circumstances, confess having feelings for Arin Hanson. 

"It was you. I was having feelings for you."

Arin turns around in his seat and looks directly at Dan for the first time this whole conversation. Their eyes lock. Dan's eyes look sad, and scared, and - something else - like they're desperate. Like he needs something from Arin.

"Me?" is all he can say.

"I think I love you," Dan says. His voice is trembling.

"What?" Arin repeats. It's the only thing coming to his head. 

And then he starts to beam. He can't help it; his face is moving on its own, and he just starts grinning like an idiot.

"You love me?" Arin says. Then he starts to laugh. "Like, love me?"

"Is it funny?" Dan asks. 

"Maybe," Arin says with a chuckle. "I fucking think it might be, don't you?"

"Why is it funny?"

"Because you fell in love with me but you started dating some random chick instead?"

Dan's shoulders slump, and he glances away from Arin. He looks a little annoyed. 

"I didn't know how you felt then," he says, defensively. "And I didn't think I could have feelings for a guy, so I just thought it was something else. Friendship. Curiosity. Whatever."

Arin nods.

"And then I met her, and that was so much easier than trying to figure out why I wanted to be with you all the time. But then you said that gender doesn't matter, which is fucking nuts, by the way, and I got to thinking about what it would be like if you weren't a man, and I just..." 

Dan starts to choke, like he can't catch his breath, and that's when Arin finally reaches out. He grabs his shoulder and squeezes it in what he hopes is comforting gesture. After a minute, Dan reaches up and places his hand on top of Arin's for just a second before pulling away. 

"So you freaked out," Arin says. "No judgement! Just trying to figure it out."

Dan nods. 

"Yeah. I freaked out bad." He laughs quietly to himself. "The next morning, she told me it was fine if I like guys, but I can't have both. I'd have to choose. And I didn't want to be gay, and as far as I knew, you didn't feel the same way. And you're married. So I chose her."

"Fair enough," Arin says. He hopes he doesn't sound too bitter, but it still stings.

"But then I heard you talking to Brian--"

"What? When?"

"The next day. You and Brian were talking in the studio, testing the mics? Well, I kind of, ah... heard the recording."

Arin squeezes his eyes shut, trying to remember. 

"You eavesdropped on us?" 

"Only a little," Dan says, sheepishly. "I'm sorry."

"I don't even remember that conversation. What did we say?"

"You two were talking about me... and then each other." Dan kind of trails off, like he's embarrassed. "You were flirting? And I guess I got kind of, um, jealous."

"Me and Brian?" Arin's eyebrows shoot up. "Flirting? This is the first I'm hearing of it."

"Oh, please," Dan says. "The sexual tension between the two of you has been distracting the whole office ever since he moved to LA."

Arin shrugs. "I mean, I guess we kind of--"

"You two would have started making out if I hadn't interrupted you."

"You think so?" Arin considers it for a moment, then he smiles as the implication of Dan's words dawns on him. "So you did it on purpose?"

Dan shrugs, running a hand through his hair. 

"That's not the point," he says quickly. "It didn't matter. Because after that, you told me how you felt, and I felt like a god damned idiot."

"So did I," Arin says with a snort.

Dan nods slowly. He doesn't even crack a smile.

"But I thought I could cope," he continues. "I thought I could figure out how I felt about you, if it was friendship or something more, while still seeing her. That way I could stop lying to either of you. Both of you. And then once I'd figured it out, I could move on. Because I had to move on. Because even though you had feelings for me, you're still married."

Arin nods, slowly. He thinks he knows where this is going. 

"But then Suzy started dating Holly..." Dan sighs, a shaky breath. "And I remembered what you said, about cheating and feelings and how it was okay if Suzy was okay with it, and I started to think... maybe we could be together like that."

Arin's chest constricts, like like a sweater that just shrank two sizes, and his heart aches.

"Fuck, Dan," he murmurs. It comes out like a breath, and he realizes that the rain has finally quieted down.

"I know," Dan says. "I know. I'm an idiot."

"You're not," Arin says roughly. Impulsively, he reaches out and grabs both of Dan's hands and brings them to his chest. He rests them approximately over his heart.

"Do you feel this?" he asks. He can feel the intensity burning him up inside, flaring up into him, starting from the place where Dan's hands rest on his body. He grips them hard and shoves them against his chest. "This is how badly I want you. This is how much I want us."

Dan looks shocked, but when Arin pulls his hands away, Dan doesn't move. He keeps his hands right where Arin put them. Arin reaches out and places his own hands on Dan's chest. He can feel the man recoil slightly, then slowly relax as Arin's hands rest firmly against him. 

"I will do anything," Arin whispers. He can feel himself leaning in, trying to get close, like he's trying to see Danny through a fog. "I need you, Dan."

"Arin, please," Dan says. Like a prayer. The he leans in, suddenly, and their noses bump against each other, and their foreheads touch, and Dan pulls away for just a second before pushing back in again, biting his lip and squeezing his eyes shut.

"I love you, Dan," Arin says softly, and Dan lets out a soft moan. He can feel it against his face. "I love you. I fucking lo--"

And Dan leans in and kisses him, hungrily, and takes Arin's words into his mouth like he wants to swallow them whole. 

* * *

 

It's dark when Dan startles awake, the moonlight streaming through his windows the only light. He's sitting straight up in bed, gasping, frantically looking around the room. It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust, and for him to realize where he is. 

He hasn't been sleeping in his own bed very much lately. Ever since he started sleeping at Arin's, his feels like a stranger's.

He grabs his phone from the nightstand to check the time. His phone lights up briefly, nearly blinding him for a moment, then his lock screen displays. It's dark: a photo of LA taken from the hills at night. He and Arin went up there a couple of weeks after they started going out, and Dan took the picture. Near the top of the screen is the time: 3:44 am. Dan sighs and puts his phone to sleep again, and the room goes dark. 

He knows he should change his wallpaper. Just like he knows he should change Arin's ringtone - Heat of the Moment, which he'd picked during a particularly sappy evening as they'd laid in Arin's bed, talking for hours. Arin had asked Dan to sing it to him, softly and slowly, just like he'd talked about the night they'd gotten together, but Dan couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead, he'd made it Arin's ringtone instead, and Arin had taken to calling him at random times throughout the day just to play the song. 

Asshole. 

Dan squeezes his eyes shut, willing himself back to sleep, but the memory of Arin laying next to him in bed is too strong. He rolls over and drapes his arm across his giant, king sized mattress, sleepily wishing to find someone there.

After about ten minutes of this, Dan sits back up and grabs his phone for a second time. He doesn't hesitate as he unlocks the phone and brings up his text messages. It's Friday night. He knows she'll still be up. 

Monday. He wakes up, unable to fall back to sleep, and the sun hasn't risen yet, even though he's sure he didn't get into bed until after 4 am. His head is throbbing, like a drumline is playing on his brain. He rolls out of bed and a wave of dizziness hits him as he walks to the bathroom to brush the night before off of his teeth.

As the sun rises and Dan eats his breakfast (fried eggs and bacon, Gatorade and two aspirin) he considers ditching the office today. He doesn't remember scheduling any meetings, and unless he's planning to record, it's not really necessary he come in. He can work on band stuff almost totally from home. But Brian will be at the office; it seems like he's always there lately. And it would be nice to work on planning the next NSP album, even if that just means writing down a bunch of stupid song titles. 

Dan sighs, holding his aching head in his hands. He just can't bring himself to take a sick day for a hangover. And in the solitude of the grey light of the morning, he can't deny to himself why he really wants to skip work today. Avoiding it won't make it any better.

So he steels himself. He cleans himself up: he takes a shower and brushes his hair, then he puts on a clean pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Then he dabs on some aftershave and washes his mouth out with Listerine, just in case he still smells like a distillery. 

When he finishes up, it's still too early to leave. He wanders around the house for a bit, trying to figure out what to do. As tired as he is, he knows he won't get any sleep, even if he does lay down; it's a side effect of his hangovers. He tries to watch some Youtube videos or listen to music, but he just can't focus. 

Finally, irritated, he grabs his backpack and decides to head to the office early. At least he can get some work done while he's there. 

But once he gets to the Grump Space, he realizes it's locked. And he doesn't have the keys.

He doesn't usually carry them, because he doesn't normally get into the office until a couple hours after everyone else. Dan doesn't consider himself the "go to work early" kind of guy, usually. So he hadn't thought to grab them when he left the house. 

Dan slides his backpack off his shoulders and starts rummaging through, hoping that he left them inside - even though he knows he didn't. He looks through the whole thing, but all he can find is his phone. 

He briefly considers calling someone and asking them to let him in, but that idea is mortifying. He's not sure who he'd even call, or what he'd tell them when they asked what he needed to do here so early. So instead, he decides to look in the backpack again. Just in case. He might have missed something. 

He unzips the main compartment, and then the front pocket, and then the side pocket, and he checks them all. And then, as luck would have it, he does find something, in a pocket he must have missed the first time around. 

He finds a joint.

He laughs, remembering. His girlfriend had rolled it Friday night, after he'd told her he needed company. She said he needed this; she called it "Emergency Rations," claimed it would cure what ailed him. He'd refused it, though. Told her he'd quit a long time ago. She must have slipped it into his bag when he wasn't looking. 

Dan stares at it. Emergency Rations. 

Well, if this isn't an emergency, he doesn't know what is. 

He climbs back into the car and looks for a lighter. For a minute, he's not sure he's going to find one. Until today, he didn't really have a need for one, after all. But eventually he does find one: a little yellow Bic stashed in the door. 

"It's like they breed in there," Dan marvels to himself, flicking it. It works immediately. And Dan, never one to reject a bit of serendipity, brings the joint to his lips and sparks it to life.

Barry arrives half an hour later to let him in. He doesn't ask what he's doing there so early; good thing, since in his current state, Dan's not sure he could be able to work up a believable answer.  The rest of the Grumps follow shortly after, coming in one by one as the day progresses. It's a bit of a blur, especially since the only one that really matters to Dan doesn't arrive until last.

Arin walks in with Brian while Dan is telling the story about how he was locked out of the Grump Space and Barry magnanimously saved him from having to spend the rest of his life in his car. The story isn't actually a particularly funny one, given that nothing much actually happens in it, but the way he's telling it must be hilarious, because everyone is laughing. That's when Dan looks up and sees his two best friends come in together, and even through his hazy high, he can feel his heart drop to his feet at the sight of them together. 

"Hey, Arin! Hey, Bri!" he calls across the room. 

They both look up at him sharply, like they're surprised he addressed them. Brian nods a greeting, but Arin doesn't say anything, just forces a thin smile and walks toward his office.

By this point, everyone around him has started to disperse, so Dan kind of waves at them and makes his way toward Brian and Arin.

"Hey Arin," Dan says again, falling into step next to Arin. He nudges him softly with his shoulder, hoping to get a response this time. 

"Hi," Arin says. His voice is level. Neutral. But he doesn't look at the older man, or even acknowledge his touch. 

"How was your weekend?"

"Fine. Suzy and I hung out with Ross and Holly."

"Cool!" Dan says. He can feel his heart flutter. This is the most conversation he's had with Arin outside of recording in weeks. "My girlfriend and I--"

"Well, I'm here," Arin says, cutting him off as they reach the door of his office. "I have to work on some stuff. I'll see you later, Bri."

"Later, Arin," Brian says, nodding. Then he gently takes Dan's arm and pulls him away, walking them toward the coffee room. 

"What do you think you're doing?" Brian asks softly. The question is casual, but the way he says it has an edge to it. A sharp point.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean coming up to Arin and just asking him about his weekend."

"What?" Dan immediately feels defensive. "Suddenly I'm not allowed to ask my best friend about his weekend?"

Brian sighs. 

"No," he says flatly. "Of course you're allowed to ask that."

He shakes his head, but if he was planning to say anything else, he's cut off by their arrival at the little bar area. Brian walks him in and sits him down in front of the counter, then he walks around and starts brewing coffee. He doesn't say anything while he makes it, and when he's done, he sets a mug in front of Dan.

"No thanks," Dan says.

"Drink it," Brian insists, voice gruff. 

"Why?"

"Because you smell like a goddamn fat house, Daniel." He sounds pissed. "Did you pull a Kesha and brush your teeth with Jack Daniel's this morning?"

"What? No!"

"Well, you smell like you did. That and pot. Your eyes are bloodshot. Didn't anyone ever teach you to ventilate?"

Dan doesn't say anything.

"You're going to have this cup of coffee, and then I'm taking you home."

"I'm here to work," Dan argues.

"Well, you can't get anything done in this state. And you've been in 'this state' for a while now, so I'm going to need you to pull yourself together. I know things are hard right now, with the breakup--"

"Things are fine."

Brian studies his face for a minute, and Dan can see him switch modes. Dad Mode, Research Mode, Thinking Mode. He's trying to figure out what's going on in Dan's head. He tries to look normal. Fine.

"...Okay. Good. Because I left a steady job for this."

"For this?" Dan blurts out, before he can stop himself. "Are you sure? Because lately it seems like you're more interested in Arin."

Brian just stares at him, unblinking. Dan can feel his face go red under Brian's gaze. He takes a sip of coffee just to get away from it. 

"For this," Brian says, finally. "For the band - for you. Because I thought you and I could make this work. And I hope I wasn't wrong."

"You weren't," Dan says, after he's finished drinking. "I'll get it together."

"Okay. Good." Brian reaches out across the counter and places his hand on Dan's shoulder. "I know it's hard."

"It is, Bri," Dan whispers.

Brian just nods.

* * *

Friday. Dan got to work early with coffee and doughnuts, and now he's hoping that passing them out will help everyone forget his behavior over the past week.

"This is the second coffee you've gotten me," Vernon says with a coy smile. "And before that, it was lunch. What's the occasion?" 

"Nothing," Dan lies, passing him the cup. "I guess I'm just feeling generous."

"Sure," Vernon says, skeptically. "You know, if you wanna go out, all you gotta do is ask, daddy."

Dan smiles, masking the flutter of panic in his chest, and once again he feels the sting of regret that comes with every gay joke thrown his way these days. He's never not going to be seen as gay now.

"Yeah, I'll talk to my  _ girl _ friend about that," he says, stressing the word 'girl.' He just wants to scream it over and over at everyone in the office: I'm not gay I'm not gay I just fucked one guy and we broke up I'm not fucking gay!

Vernon looks like he's about to say something in response when the door opens and Brian and Arin walk in again. 

"There's a familiar sight," Vernon says instead, taking a sip of his coffee. 

"Sure seems like it," Dan agrees, following the men with his eyes. Brian walks Arin to his office and smiles at him when they part. Is it just Dan's imagination, or did his hand linger on Arin's shoulder just a second too long?

"That's gotta be hard on you."

"What do you mean?" Dan asks, turning his head back to Vernon.

"You know, your best friend and your ex. That's gotta suck."

Dan blinks at Vernon, taking a moment to catch his meaning.

"They're not... I mean, Arin and Brian, they aren't..."

"Sure," Vernon says, smiling unconvincingly and turning back to his computer. "They're just friends." 

* * *

 

After the fourth drink. That's when Dan thinks he has probably made a mistake. But it isn't until a few hours later, when he realizes he can't remember what he's doing here, that he really regrets it.

He's knocking on Brian Wecht's door. No, he's  **_pounding_ ** on Brian's door, probably a little harder than necessary, but he thinks this might be important, so he starts slamming his fist against it even harder. 

"Brian!" he calls, and he's surprised by how loud his voice is, how hard it is to control it. He vaguely wonders what time it is before renewing his cries. "Briiian!"

A few seconds later, his pounding stops as the door disappears out from under his fist. Brian is standing there. He's not wearing a shirt, just a raggedy set of pajama bottoms. His hair is sticking up a hundred different ways, and it's clear he just woke up.

"Dan," he says. He doesn't sound surprised. He just coolly surveys the man in front of him, like he's thinking about something. "Well, come in," he says finally, opening the door a little wider and standing to the side. 

Dan follows the instruction, lurching forward into the house. He blinks around the room, trying to focus his vision. The room is dim; there is only a single light on, which Brian must have turned on when he came out to let Dan in. 

"So what can I do for you, Daniel?" Brian asks, closing the door. He gazes at his bandmate with exhaustion, but his voice is measured and patient. Like he's talking to a child. 

Dan doesn't like it. He doesn't like Brian thinking he can talk down to him. 

"Well, Brian," he says unsteadily, "I'll tell you. You can stop."

Brian just stares at him, waiting for him to say more. When he doesn't, he sighs. 

"Stop what?" he prompts.

"Stop what you're doing with Arin, asshole," Dan slurs. 

He can hear how he sounds, hear how the alcohol and the drugs are making his voice sound sloppy and wet, like a glass over-flowing. He can hear his speech slide into itself as he talks, but he has an important point to make, and he's not going to let a little inebriation get in the way of that. 

"What am I doing with Arin?" Brian crosses his arms and looks self satisfied. 

"You know exactly what you're fucking doing," Dan says. He stands up, trying to reach his full height to intimidate Brian, but he overshoots it and reels back a moment. For a second, the world in front of him is swimming, and he has to find his balance again. 

Brian doesn't wait for all of this to finish before he starts talking. 

"Dan, jesus, what the fuck are you on?" 

He grabs Dan and leads him to the couch, letting Dan hang onto him as they walk. When they reach the couch, Dan scrambles onto it, leaning against the armrest. 

"What are you on?" Brian repeats, once Dan is settled.

"I don't know," Dan admits. "Bourbon. Some weed. I think I took something? It's kind of... blurry..."

"I thought you didn't do this shit anymore, Dan," Brian says. "I thought you were happy sober."

Dan struggles to focus on what Brian's saying. He keeps drifting in and out of awareness. He'll slip into a hazy fog, and then a few minutes later he'll remember what he's doing here. The world is jumping up and down in front of him.

"It doesn't really fucking matter, does it?" Dan asks bitterly. He's trying to hold onto lucidity. "I already fucked up the only thing that really matters."

"Are you talking about Arin?" 

Dan nods, hanging his head.

"Well, that's surprising."

"Why?"

"Because I wasn't aware you felt bad about what happened with Arin." Brian sounds like he's trying to make an important point, but all Dan can feel is anger rising up in his chest. 

"Of course I feel bad about it."

"Didn't you just spend the whole night getting wasted with your  _ girlfriend?"  _ Brian asks sharply. 

"So?"

"So that doesn't sound like the actions of someone who feels sorry about what he did."

"Fuck off, Bri."

"I'm just saying," Brian growls, sounding angry now, "that it sounds a lot like someone who is drowning in self pity."

"It's not self pity," Dan snaps.

"Really? Because I can't think of any other reason you'd be doing this to yourself."

"Doing what?"

Brian throws his arms up in exasperation. 

"Goddamn it, Dan, you're a trainwreck! You come into work hungover and smelling like pot, you show up at my house at god knows what time, blasted off your ass and telling me to stay away from your ex boyfriend - you're out of control!"

Brian's remark about Arin sets something off in Dan, reminds him why it was here again. 

"You were with him tonight, weren't you?" Dan asks, quietly. 

"What?"

"I couldn't reach you. Or him. I tried to call, but..."

Brian holds his head in his hands.

"God, you're more paranoid than I thought."

"So you weren't together tonight?" Dan asks.

"No," Brian says calmly. 

"And if I ask Suzy where he was?"

"I have no idea!" Brian practically yells. "And frankly, I don't care! And Dan, you need to get on the same page as me, friend, because you are seriously on the verge of losing it here."

Dan shakes his head. He doesn't believe Brian. He saw them leave the office together. He saw them get into the same car. It's why he called his girlfriend, it's why he had too many drinks and took whatever it was she gave him to make him feel better; it's why he started calling the two men, and when they didn't answer, it's why he came over here in the first place. And he knows he isn't wrong. 

"Losing it?" he shouts. His voice fills the room. "I'm not losing anything, Brian, because I have nothing left to lose! In case you've forgotten,  I lost the only good thing in my life."

Brian is quiet for a minute, waiting for Dan to calm down. Or maybe he's calming himself down. When he speaks, his voice is low. Angry, but level. 

"You didn't  _ lose  _ Arin, Daniel," he says. He's seething. A kettle about to boil over. "You broke his heart."

"I didn--"

"I don't want to hear it," Brian interrupts. "I was there. I saw what you did to him. He thought what you two had was real. And I can't blame him, because shit, I did, too. But then you got scared, and you did what you do, Dan. You ran."

Dan can feel Brian's words falling down on him like rain. He's starting to feel sick

"You can't blame me for that," Brian continues. "And you definitely can't blame Arin for that. You didn't lose him, Dan. You left him. And now he's just trying to clean up the mess you made of him, and you don't get to be mad at him for that."

Dan doesn't say anything. There's nothing to say. 

"And now I'd like you to leave," Brian says. He grabs Dan by the arm and walks him to the door. "I'm going to order you a Lyft, and you're going to go home. Okay?"

Dan nods.

"Okay," Brian says, opening the door for him. "Goodnight, Daniel."

* * *

 

Sunday. 

The weather is terrible. Big, dark clouds hang over the city, low enough to touch. They've been there all morning, unmoving. The wind is stale. There is no breeze. It's just hot, and humid, and oppressive.

Everytime it gets like this, it seems like everyone says the same thing: it's a good thing. We could use the rain. It's the drought, you know. Dan feels like no one says what they're really thinking, which is that no one moved to Los Angeles for rain, and it should just move the fuck on already. 

Dan is laying in bed. It's the middle of the afternoon, but he can't bring himself to do anything else. He has that stupid nursery rhyme in his head, the one about the snoring old man who bumps his head while it's raining and doesn't wake up in the morning. He can't imagine why: it's not raining, let alone pouring. 

He can't stop thinking about Friday night. What he can remember of it, anyway. Eventually, it starts to get fuzzy. He remembers going to see his girlfriend, and drinking, and smoking, and then he thinks he took something, but that's when it all becomes a bit of a blur. 

He remembers two parts clearer than the rest: first, he remembers seeing Arin and Brian leave together. He followed them out. He saw them get into the same car. He remembers that perfectly.

Secondly, he remembers vomiting into Brian's bushes while waiting for a Lyft.

Brian's right, he thinks, staring at his ceiling. I need to get my shit together. 

But he can't do that. Not without addressing the shit that got him in this mess in the first place. And how can he do that when he doesn't even really know what happened?

It seemed like everything was going really well. After he got past the fact that Arin was a man, Dan thinks it might have been the best relationship he'd ever been in. The night they'd gotten together, he'd been so happy he'd thought his heart would burst. 

He'd kissed Arin. And almost two seconds later, he had a panic attack about it.

But Arin had been amazing. They'd gone to his place and spent just hours alternating between talking and kissing. Dan would ask questions about what was going to happen, about how this was going to work, and Arin would answer them until Dan got too freaked out by the idea of dating a married man. Then Arin would kiss him again, just attack him with his lips, kissing all over until Dan started kissing back. Then, when Dan started to get nervous about where that whole thing was headed, they'd go back to talking and start it all over again. 

It was intense, and scary as hell, but in the best possible way. No one had ever made Dan feel like that, and that was part of what convinced him it would work. 

The talk with Suzy the next day also helped. 

She was transparent: she wanted Arin to be happy, but she was also nervous. Nervous because he'd never dated anyone else before, but also because of Game Grumps. Because she didn't want them to break anything. But she gave them her blessing, and laid down some ground rules, and suddenly it was happening. Arin and Dan were dating. 

And it was great. Most of the time.

About half the time, it was like nothing had changed. Arin was the same as he always had been, for the most part. He was more affectionate, both physically and emotionally; one time, Arin talked about Dan in the same tone of voice he usually reserved for talking about Suzy, and Dan thought his heart was going to stop. But Arin was still the burping, farting idiot, yelling about pre. Except that now, Dan could lean over and kiss him when Arin was being so adorable he didn't think he could stand it.

But sometimes things were harder. He struggled to hold Arin's hand in public, a fact that Arin was less and less okay with the longer they were together. He couldn't call Arin his boyfriend - just couldn't say the words. He still couldn't think of himself as gay - or even bisexual, or pansexual, or whatever it was Arin was. He kept thinking of himself as "straight but dating Arin." 

But it had all come to a head the night of their three month anniversary.

Dan had taken Arin out. He'd actually taken him to the sushi place they'd gone to on their "first date," after the hockey game. He'd planned out this big romantic gesture: he was going to sit across from Arin and hold his hand, to prove that he didn't care anymore. He was going to tell Arin the truth about the hockey game, which was that he'd wanted to spend more time alone with him, even though at the time he wasn't ready to admit what that meant yet. 

And it actually went well until the sushi came. 

"I think we should tell our friends," Arin said, pulling the sushi off the conveyer belt. 

"About what?" Dan asked, doling out wasabi for the two of them. "This sushi place? I think Ross already--"

"About us," Arin said, laughing. 

"Oh," Dan said. The he nodded. "I see."

"You don't think so?"

Dan shrugged. "I just don't know. Isn't it kind of early? When Suzy and Holly started dating, they wanted to wait until six months, right?"

"Yeah, and look how well that turned out," Arin said with a snort. "I don't want our friends to find out that way. And I'm tired of sneaking around. Checking to see if anyone is looking before I kiss you. I'm... proud to be your boyfriend."

"I'm proud too," Dan said, but his voice was edgy. Instinctually, he pulled his hand away from Arin's. He felt spiky, like a hedgehog, about to curl up into defense mode.

"Then don't you want to tell everyone? Our friends, your family? If you're proud, wouldn't you want everyone to know?"

Dan could feel his gut drop. The idea of telling his family he was dating a man was terrifying. It would be like proving what everyone had always suspected. It didn't matter how loving or accepting they were; after years of curiosity and questioning about the subject, telling them about Arin would be humiliating. 

But he couldn't tell Arin that. 

"Isn't it possible to be quietly proud?" he said. He cracked a smile, going for charming, but Arin was unfazed. 

"I'm pretty sure it's not, Dan," Arin said, rolling his eyes. 

Dan felt trapped. He wasn't ready. He knew he wasn't ready. But he couldn't tell Arin that, because he didn't have a good answer for when he  _ would _ be ready. Deep inside, he was worried that he never would be. 

So he nodded. 

"Okay," he said, reaching his hand across the table again. "Let's tell them tomorrow."  

And it all probably would have been fine if she hadn't called him the next day. 

Maybe it was because he was feeling vulnerable, or maybe it was because he wanted to prove to himself that he wasn't gay, but when he saw her number on his phone, he decided to answer it. Even though he knew he shouldn't, that if he was dating a girl he would never have talked to an ex on the phone like that. He picked up.

And he told her everything. How could he not? She'd asked how he was, and she knew about his feelings for Arin, so he decided, what the hell? So he told her about how they were dating, but that he was kind of freaked out about that, partly because he didn't really do long term very well and partly because, well, he's dating a man. And he mentioned he felt pressured, and she was sympathetic, and understanding, and just so nice. And before he knew it he was calling her whenever he had issues with Arin.  Which was feeling like every other day, lately.

Looking back now, Dan realizes that it's no wonder he and Arin didn't work out. It took him a few months to see it, but he never really gave Arin a chance. 

He'd been scared. It didn't matter that everyone at the office was accepting and excited for him. When they came up to him to congratulate him on his relationship, he didn't hear their love and support. Instead, all he heard was one more person who knew he was dating a man. And suddenly, in the course of a day, Dan had nowhere to hide. 

The week before he broke up with Arin, he couldn't sleep. He was haunted, trapped. He'd lay awake as long as he could and he would play it out: he'd tell everyone that it was a mistake, to forget any of this had ever happened. He imagined breaking up with Arin, and his heart would crack, and he would start to cry, silently, into his pillow. He couldn't do that. He couldn't hurt him. 

But he couldn't do this forever, either. He couldn't live the rest of his life feeling like this, ashamed of dating the man he loved, terrified about the next stranger who would see them together and know that they were dating. He couldn't hide from his family forever, either, but it's not like he could tell them. 

When Dan told Arin he wanted to talk, he told himself that he just wanted to talk this out. That he didn't want to go through this alone anymore. But he knew by the end of the day the way the wind was blowing. He could tell from the rain and the air and the way Arin looked at him that it was ending.

And afterwards, after he left Arin in the car - they had spent ten minutes just kissing and crying, Arin begging him not to go - he called her. And he told her he was done, and he wasn't gay, and he just wanted a second chance. 

And that was that.

It took Arin a while to be able to record with Dan again, but after a few weeks, he reached out. Dan has told him he'd resign, but Arin had argued; "you're Not So Grump," he's said. "And nothing will change that." And it was weird, and more than a little awkward, but they were making it work.

And now Dan's lying on his bed, feeling worse than ever, wishing that he would bump his head and fail to wake up in the morning. 

And then, like a bolt from the storm above his house, he remembers what Brian said that night. 

"Self-pity," Dan mutters to himself. "Well, he's not wrong."

If he really thinks about it, Dan realizes that it's never been anything but self-pity. He never stopped to think about Arin. He put the whole episode behind him the minute he'd stepped out of that car and into the rain. He'd washed himself clean of the whole thing, and then he'd gotten mad when Arin hadn't gotten past it quite the same way he did. 

He never really apologized. Dan hasn't thought of it before. He'd never apologized for hurting Arin like that. He'd never really given a good explanation. Maybe Arin needed that. And maybe it's time for him to stop thinking of himself, and to start thinking about what Arin needs. 

Dan jumps up from the bed, grabbing his phone and his keys from his nightstand. 

"Fuck self-pity," he says, rushing out the door.

* * *

 

It starts sprinkling on the drive over, but it doesn't really start pouring until Dan pulls into Arin's driveway.

Dan doesn't care. He jumps out of the car and sprints to the door. He stands under the tiny awning over Arin's front door, but it doesn't provide a ton of shelter, and pretty soon, he's soaked to the bone. 

When the door doesn't open, Dan knocks again. Then, a few seconds later, he tries the doorbell. He knows Arin's here. His car's in the driveway. There are lights on in the house. But most of all, Dan knows Arin's here because he has to be. 

"Arin!" he calls. He has a brief flash of that night at Brian's, banging on his door, and he pushes it down. "Please, Arin, I just want to talk!"

Nothing happens. No one opens the door. 

Dan slams his fist against the door once and squeezes his eyes shut, protecting them from the rain dripping down his face. Then he slams his fist on the door again, louder this time. 

"Arin!" he screams. He can feel this throat growing hoarse. "I know I've been a jerk, and I'm sorry. I'm... so sorry, Arin." He whispers the last few words. "Please, let me in."

His fist hits the door one more time, weakly now, and then he rests his forehead against it. 

"Arin," he pleads. But no one can hear him. 

Then, suddenly, the door opens. 

For a second, all of Dan's despair turns to joy as he looks up to see who opened it. It all comes shattering down just as fast, though, when he recognizes the figure at the door. It's Brian. He's wearing a pair of ratty old pajama bottoms and nothing else, his hair sticking every direction.

And Dan has another flash of his drunken night at Brian's, and his eyes narrow. He's flooded with a sudden rage.

"Daniel," Brian says. There's no hint of a smile, no laughter on his face. Dan doesn't think he's ever seen Brian look like this before. "You need to leave."

"I just want to talk to Arin," Dan says, unable to keep the desperation out of his voice. "Please--"

"Arin doesn't want to talk to you."

"You don't know-- can't you just ask-- ARIN!" he screams, making a run for the house, but Brian blocks him with his body, grabbing Dan by the shoulders. 

"Stop," he growls as Dan struggles against him. "He doesn't want you here right now. And you need to leave before you make a huge mistake."

"What do you know?" Dan yells. He's right in Brian's face, their chests and shoulders and noses bumping together. He's dripping, soaking wet, and he can barely see. He throws his head down as tears start to stream down his face. "Please, Bri, I just need to see him. I need to apologize."

Brian sighs. He holds Dan for a few seconds, then walks them both out the door. He pulls the door closed with one hand. They're both standing under the useless awning, getting soaked. 

"I'm sure he'll appreciate that," Brian says in a soft voice. "But not now, okay? Not today."

Dan just inhales; a deep, shuddery breath that shakes his whole body. Finally, after he has a moment to collect himself, he nods. 

"Okay," Dan says. He pulls away and starts talking toward his car. 

"Wait, Dan. Are you okay to drive?" Brian calls out.

"I'm sober, if that's what you're asking," Dan says back. He unlocks his door and climbs into the driver's seat. "But I'm not okay." 

Then he slams the door and takes off without even buckling his seatbelt. 

He doesn't know where he's going. He's driving vaguely in the direction of his girlfriend's place, so he decides that will be his destination. Anything to get his mind off what just happened. 

But the drive is taking too long. She lives across town, and the memory of struggling against Brian to get to Arin is too real, it's too vivid. He has to get away from it now. He passes a car that's going slow because of the rain. 

Dan can't stop thinking about it. About Brian being there. About Brian being there in his pajamas. 

The same pajamas he was wearing the night Dan went over to his house. 

And the more he thinks about it, the angrier he gets. He swerves around a Toyota that is taking too long at a turn. Behind him, he can hear them laying on their horn, but he ignores it and presses down on the gas.

There's no reason for Brian to be there, shirtless or not. Dan can't think of a single reason, except one.

A few hundred feet ahead of him, he can see the traffic light flip from green to yellow and he floors it. He screeches through the intersection just as the light switches over to red, and a car to his right has to slam on its brakes before it careens into him. 

His phone starts to buzz in his pocket.

"Fuck," he says. He doesn't want to reach in and grab it, but he can't shake the feeling that it's Arin, so Dan lets go of the steering wheel with one hand and digs into his back pocket with the other. It takes some doing - he practically has to stand in his seat for a moment - but he finally wrenches the phone free. 

But when he looks at the screen, it's not Arin's name that he sees, but Suzy's. He goes to pick it up, but just has he reaches for the green icon on his screen, it stops ringing. 

"God damnit!" he yells, slamming his hands on the steering wheel. The he notices he's coming up on his turn, and swerves into the left lane. He hydroplanes for a second, losing control of his car as the wheels skim the surface of the water. He hits the brakes, causing a wave of water to rise up around him as he splashes into the puddle.

A few seconds later, his phone chimes with a notification, and the icon for a voicemail appears on his screen. 

Dan opens it up and listens to it, holding the phone up to his ear and driving with only one hand. On the other end, he can hear Suzy's voice. She sounds madder than he's ever heard her before. 

"Leave my husband alone," she says. Then she hangs up. And that's the whole voicemail.

Dan feels shame creep into his stomach as he listens to it. He drops the phone into the passenger seat, gritting his teeth. Then, as he's placing the phone down, he realizes that he just passed his turn. 

"Shit," he says, turning on his blinker. He's going to have to make a U-turn at the next spot. He slows the car a bit as he approaches, checking for cars coming the opposite way. There's only one, farin in the distance, so he speeds back up, turning around. 

But as he  turns, he hits another deep puddle, and his car hydroplanes again. But this time, he completely loses control. The back of the car whips around, sliding off the road for just a second and spinning him back toward the median. He slams on his breaks to avoid hitting the cement rail between the two sides of the road. He hears the car horn blaring behind him. 

And that's when he hears a sickening crash. It's the deep sound of twisting metal and the high pitched shattering of glass. Then he feels something wet on his face, and he reaches up to see if he's bleeding. But it's just the rain. 

Then everything goes dark.

* * *

 

"Arin, wait--"

"No waiting, not one more second, I have to have you right now--"

"--jesus, Arin, at least let me lock the car!--"

"--ah, ah, ah, you didn't say the magic word!"

"You dick, don't quote Jurassic Park at me when you're being a little brat, I can't take it."

A shiver runs down Arin's spine when Brian calls him a brat, and he wants to keep kissing the older man all over, but Brian locks eyes with him and Arin backs down. He can't say no to Brian's daddy face.

Brian turns around and grabs his overnight bag. (Arin had teased him about the first time, but now he knows that Bri is particular about his hygiene, so he doesn't mention it anymore.) Once he has it over his shoulder, he closes the car door and locks it. Then he turns to face Arin. 

Brian eyes him up and down, like he's inspecting him, which gives Arin another little thrill. He grabs Arin by the chin and kisses him, hard, right there in the driveway. His beard chafes against Arin's face a bit, but he can ignore it, because the rest of it just feels so good. When he finally pulls away, leaving Arin gasping, he glances down at Arin's pants for a moment. 

"Let's get that taken care of, baby," Brian growls, practically pulling Arin along to the house. 

As eager as Arin had been in the driveway, it's Brian who takes control the minute they close the door to the bedroom. Suddenly, Brian is all mouth, taking in every part of Arin he can reach, kissing and biting and practically snarling all the while. Arin barely has a chance to catch his breath before Brian has pushed him onto the bed and is straddling him, stripping Arin of his shirt. 

"So demanding," Arin says in a low voice, watching Brian's face as he concentrates. "You're such a control freak, Dr. Wecht."

"I thought that's what you liked about me, Arin." 

_ God.  _ The way he says Arin's name is so sexy it should be illegal.

"I think I'm starting to like quite a lot of things about you, Bri," Arin says, with more sincerity than he intended. 

Brian looks down, apparently also surprised by the sudden confession in the middle of their banter. He watches Arin's expression curiously, with all the attention Arin would expect from a scientist. Then he leans down and kisses Arin, slowly and deeply. Arin lets it wash over him, feeling himself fill up with longing.

Finally, Brian pulls away. 

"I like you too, you know," he whispers, and Arin nods.

Without warning, Arin sits up and grabs Brian's wrists, kissing him fiercely. While Brian reels in surprise, Arin takes the opportunity to flip him over onto his back, pressing him hard onto the bed. Then he starts working his way down Brian's jaw and neck, planting kisses as he travels. When he gets to Brian's chest, he starts to remove the man's shirt. 

"Now wait a second," Brian argues, seemingly having found his voice again. "I thought this was my job."

"You've done a great job, Brian," Arin assures him as he rips the shirt from his body. "But it's my turn now."

Brian smiles at him and looks like he's about to say something else when Arin shuts him up with his mouth, kissing him deeply. When he pulls away, he can feel Brian hard against him, but he wants to keep the man waiting a bit longer, so he starts kissing his neck and sucking on his ears. Then he gets back to work on Brian's chest, which is covered in soft salt and pepper hair, long and soft. He runs his hand across it, then kisses it; first the collarbone, then down, biting occasionally as he goes. When he gets to Brian's nipple, he takes a lot of care. He covers it with his mouth hungrily, flicking it with his tongue and nibbling it gently. Arin is rewarded with gruff moans as Brian bucks his hips involuntarily. 

"I'm getting there," Arin teases, pulling away from Brian for a moment. He looks toward the man's face, and sees him biting his lip. Arin feels a weird satisfaction at the thought of Brian trying to control himself, and returns briefly to Brian's nipple, feeling the man writhe under him. After he feels like he's tortured him enough, he continues down his torso.

When he gets to Brian's jeans, he tries to play with him a little, but Brian is impatient, wiggling a bit as Arin unbuttons the pants. When he finally gets them open, Arin teases him, lightly stroking him outside of his boxers. 

"God damnit Arin," Brian whines in a husky voice. "You're an asshole." 

"That's not very nice," Arin says, still stroking up Brian's shaft with his thumb. He can feel the man's cock twitch as he traces it. "And it's not going to get you anywhere. I'd much rather hear you beg."

"Arin," Brian says, immediately. "Oh god, Arin, please." He bucks his hips again, pushing his cock out of the hole in his boxers as Arin strokes it. It's pink and glistening, and Arin has to suppress the urge to start blowing him right now. "Please."

"Please what?" Arin asks, lightly running his fingers over the length of Brian's shaft. His hand is shaking. He can barely contain himself; his own dick is straining against his pants.

"Please touch me," Brian says quickly, like it's spilling out of him. "Take me. Fuck me. Take me. Please, fuck, please, ple--"

Before he finishes the last word, Arin takes his cock into his mouth without warning. Brian gasps and grabs at Arin's hair, bucking again and filling Arin's mouth.  Arin can taste every inch of him. He starts working on it, licking up the shaft while his mouth moves up and down, taking in as much as he can bear. Brian is grinding steadily into him, holding Arin's head down, and just that, just the feeling Brian forcing him onto his cock makes Arin so hard he thinks he might explode. He's taking him deep, feeling Brian's dick bumping against the back of his throat, Brian grunting each time. As he works, he starts to moan in sync with Brian's raspy breathing, going faster and faster until he can feel the man coming to a crescendo. Brian starts thrusting wildly, pulling Arin's hair with his fist, and he is moaning loudly now, moaning Arin's name over and over again until finally, he comes.

Arin pulls away from his cock and climbs back up the bed to see Brian's face.

"Fuck, Arin," Brian says, panting.

"Anytime," Arin quips, smiling playfully. He lightly kisses Brian's jaw.

"Right now," Brian says, raising his eyebrows in response. "It's your turn."

* * *

 

They're laying in bed a few hours later. They've both showered and changed into pajamas, and they're drifting in and out of sleep when they hear a knock on the door. Arin sits up. 

"Are you expecting someone?" Brian asks as Arin blinks his eyes blearily. 

"I don't think so."

"Then let's forget it!" Brian wraps his arm around Arin and pulls him back down, holding on tightly. 

The knocking comes again, and then the doorbell. 

"I better go," Arin says, sitting up again, resigned. "It might be important."

Then they hear Dan's voice, screaming Arin's name muffled through the wall. Brian looks at Arin, and he must see his shock clear on his face, because he immediately switches modes.

"No," Brian says immediately, sitting up. "Let me go."

"You-- wait, Bri, are you sure?" Arin asks. But inside, he's already breathing a sigh of relief. The idea of facing Dan right now is too much. 

"Yep," Brian says, smiling. He's already out of bed, slipping his pajama bottoms on. He reaches for his shirt, but they hear Dan's voice again, louder this time, and Brian leaves it, heading for the door. "Anything you want me to tell him?" 

"Whatever you think is right."

"He's going to want to see you," Brian points out. "What should I say if he asks why I'm here?"

Arin thinks about that for only a moment. 

"Tell him we're fucking," Arin says. "See if he still wants to see me after that."

Brian lowers his eyebrows at Arin for a second, looking concerned. Then he nods his head slightly and leaves the room, closing the door behind him. 

Arin can't hear what they're saying. He desperately wants to know; it takes every ounce of his strength not to creep out into the living room and eavesdrop at the door. As much as he knows it would be a huge step back in his development, he still wants to hear Dan asking to see him. 

Then he's shocked back to his senses. He doesn't want to hear that. It would take him back to that place, that earth shattered, heart broken place he'd been lost in until just recently. As much as he wanted to hear an apology from Dan - for a while, frankly he just wanted to hear  _ anything _ from Dan - he knows that's not what would be good for him now. Not when he's finally healing. 

So he waits. He waits, and he wonders about what they're saying, and whether Brian told Dan what he told him to say, or if he was more diplomatic. He wonders how Dan will react to the idea of Arin and Brian. Not good, he guesses.

It's sooner than he expects when he hears a car screech away and sees Brian walk back into the room. He's soaking wet and looking sheepish. 

"Jesus, Brian," Arin says. He wants to sound scolding, but the sight of Brian Wecht, Ph.D., walking in like a drowned rat just makes him smile. "What happened?"

"Did you know it's raining?" Brian asks, dryly. 

"I could guess. What did he say?"

Brian sighs without answering. Arin waits patiently as he walks into the bathroom and comes out a couple second later with a towel. He starts by drying his hair, then his chest, and then, finally, he places the towel down on the foot of the bed and sits. 

"He just asked to see you," Brian says, solemnly. "I didn't... tell him what you told me to. I'm sorry."

"I didn't think you would," Arin says with a little laugh. He's going for flippant, but he's afraid that Brian can see through him, as usual. 

"He just made a run for the door, and I had to, uh. Restrain him."

Arin raises his eyebrows in response. 

"Are you okay?" he asks, reaching out and placing his hand on Brian's shoulder.  

"Yeah, it's fine. He didn't fight me or anything. He was too... he just left." Brian looks, for once, at a loss for words. It's something Arin can't recall seeing since they started this relationship of theirs, and that makes him anxious. 

"Do you think he knew?"

Brian sighs again, looking down at his feet. 

"I think he's suspected for a while," Brian admits. "Listen, Arin, I didn't tell you this because I thought it would upset you, but Dan has been kind of a huge mess lately."

"What do you mean?" Arin asks. He's almost afraid to hear the answer. 

"I don't know how much you've noticed," Brian says, "but the stuff like showing up to work hungover, and following us out of the office..."

Arin nods. He has noticed. He just tried not to think about it too much. 

"Okay, so there's that. And I talked to him one day, told him to get his shit together. But I don't think he did. Actually, to be totally accurate, I know he didn't."

"How?"

"He showed up drunk at my house a few nights ago."

Arin's heart does a flip in his chest. 

"When I was there?"

"Right after you left," Brian says, sounding defeated. "He... was a mess, Arin. I've never seen him like that. You know, he tells stories about when he was doing drugs..."

Arin nods. He wants to curl into a little ball. The stories about drunk or high Dan were funny when they were told on the show, but Arin knows he'd never want to see it himself. The Dan he knew - the Dan he loved - was sober. Happy. The idea of Dan wasted and broken at Brian's house fills makes something in his chest hurt.

"I might have yelled at him," Brian admits. "I was tired, and he was going on and on about you and me keeping a secret from him, and he just felt so fucking sorry for himself. And I'd just seen you." Brian looks up at Arin and meets his eyes, staring at him intensely. 

Arin reaches his hand out and gently strokes the side of Brian's face with his thumb.

"I don't think I handled it very well," Brian says, softly. 

"I don't expect you to be perfect," Arin says, tilting his head slightly to the side. He's suddenly overcome with a rush of affection, and he pushes it down. 

Nope. Not going to feel that.

"I'm scared for him," Brian says, earnestly. "I don't think he's okay. I'm scared about what he might do."

"It'll be okay," Arin says. He tries to sound comforting. He's not used to it; ever since he started seeing Brian like this, it's always been the older man who played the role of comforter. He's so steady and certain. Seeing him like this breaks Arin's heart a little. But he doesn't know how to help.

He leans forward, climbing next to the man and pulling him back onto the bed with a kiss.

"Come lay with me," he whispers, running his hand through Brian's damp hair. 

"I'm all wet," Brian protests. 

"Like that ever stopped you before," Arin teases, and Brian finally cracks a smile. Then he lays back and lets Arin hold him until he's dry again.

At some point, Suzy comes home. She pokes her head in on the boys, and smiles when she sees them wrapped up in each other's arms. Arin is half asleep, his mind muddy, but he can hear his wife and Brian talking in whispers. 

"...came by," Arin hears Brian say, voice low. 

"Is he okay?" Suzy asks, sounding genuinely concerned. 

Arin squeezes his eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. He can feel Brian shift in the bed next to him.

"I think so."

"I wish I could do something to help."

"He just needs time."

"And for Dan to leave him alone," Suzy practically spits. 

Arin struggles to control his breathing. 

"Maybe," Brian says, noncommittally. "He's lucky to have you, though."

"And you," Suzy says.

"No," Brian argues. "I'm nobody. A distraction."

"No you're not, Bri," Suzy says softly. "Maybe you started out that way, but... well, I can tell Arin means a lot to you." 

Brian doesn't reply. Arin's heartbeat drums in his ears as the blood rushes to his head.

"And you mean a lot to him, whether he's ready to admit that or not."

"Thanks, Suz," Brian says. 

Arin can't take anymore, so he rolls over and pretends to be waking up. Brian and Suzy shut up, and Arin's wife leaves him with Brian.

Forty-five minutes later, they get the phone call.

* * *

 

They called Suzy because she was the most recent contact on his phone. The hospital wanted to call his mom first - that was standard procedure - but they couldn't find any contact labelled "Mom," and he had no emergency contacts. 

Arin didn't ask Suzy when she had called Dan. It didn't matter. In truth, he was glad she had, because now they knew about it, and as they raced over to the hospital, he thought about how fortunate they were. He called Dan's family first, leaving a quick voicemail for Debra, promising to let her know more one he did. 

He'd gotten into a wreck. That was all they knew. They didn't know how, or how bad it was, except that Dan wasn't awake to give his mom's number. And that scared the shit out of Arin. 

When they get to the hospital, Brian immediately starts filling out the paperwork, and Suzy begins calling around to the Grumps to let them know what has happened. Arin, with nothing else to do, just sits in the waiting room, staring at his feet. Eventually, Brian finishes all the forms, and Suzy has told everyone who should know, and they sit and wait with Arin in silence. 

It takes an hour before the doctor comes to see them. Arin is shaking when he comes in. 

"Avidan?" he asks, and Arin and Brian both stand up. "Leigh Avidan?"

"Yeah," Arin says, his voice high pitched and strange. 

"Dan," Brian corrects, quietly.

"I'm Doctor Roberts. I wanted to let you know that Daniel is stable. We found internal bleeding--"

Suzy lets out a little gasp next to Arin, and he can see her eyes fill with tears. He reaches out and grabs her hand, squeezing it tightly. 

"--but we're fairly confident that it's only bruising. We're going to keep an eye on him, just in case."

"Just in case?" Brian says, stepping forward. Arin wants to reach out and stop him, but he can't find the strength. "It's been an hour, and all you can tell us is that you  _ think  _ he's just bruised?"

The doctor remains calm. Arin suspects that he sees this kind of thing a lot. 

"I'm sorry it took so long to find you," he says, voice level. "Your friend was moved to the ICU, and I thought you had been told. I spent some time looking for you there."

"Well, we weren't told," Brian says firmly.

"And for that I'm terribly sorry. It won't happen again. I can have a nurse take you to a closer waiting room, and, if you'd like, I can introduce you to Daniel's surgical consult."

"Surgeon?" Arin asks, his voice quivering. 

"Just in case the internal injuries are more severe than we think. As I said, we'll keep monitoring him, and if there is no improvement, we may have to operate."

Arin hears Suzy start to cry next to him, and he puts his arm around her. She buries her head in Arin's shoulder, holding him tightly. 

Dr. Roberts watches them quietly, giving them a moment to take it all in. Then he looks at Suzy and smiles. 

"I can't tell you not to worry," he says, seriously. "It could certainly get worse before it gets better. But I promise you that we are going to do all we can to help your friend. We have the best people on it, and they've done this a million times. Plenty of people have walked out of here after worse accidents." 

Arin looks at the doctor and forces a smile. He's obviously trying, and Arin doesn't want to leave him hanging, but right now, it's hard to imagine a positive outcome. 

"Now," Dr. Roberts says, turning around, "let me find someone to take you back to a spot where you will be closer to Daniel, and I'll find Dr. Dylan."

The doctor finds a man in blue scrubs who leads them back through the maze of hallways and elevators. Thankfully, he doesn't try to make conversation, except to point out where the cafeteria is. The new waiting room is much quieter, and fully enclosed, the only other person in it a janitor who is mopping the floor. When they pile in, he smiles at them and clears the room quickly. 

A few minutes later, Dr. Roberts walks in with a woman in green scrubs. He introduces her as Dr. Dylan, Dan's surgeon. 

"He doesn't really need a surgeon right now," she assures them. "His doctor is confident that it's just bruising, which is common with these kinds of accidents. We just like to be prepared."

"When can we see him?" Suzy asks. Her voice is watery, her eyes full of tears. 

"Are any of you family?" Dr. Dylan asks, looking around. 

They stay silent, looking at one another. 

"Our policy is that only immediate family may visit in the ICU--"

"I'm his boyfriend," Arin blurts out. Suzy and Brian look at him with wide eyes, but they eventually both nod in agreement. 

"I'm not sure--" Dr. Roberts starts, but Brian interrupts him. 

"Would you let his girlfriend visit?" Brian asks, dryly. He's using his Professor Voice. "You wouldn't want to get slapped with a lawsuit for discrimination, would you? Especially not here in California." 

Dr. Roberts looks taken aback, and he glances at his colleague. 

"We'll see what happens when he stabilizes a bit more," he says, finally. "We'll keep you informed."

He and the surgeon shuffle out. Once the door has closed, Brian and Suzy look at each other and start giggling. 

"I can't believe you said that," Suzy whispers, scandalized. 

"Thank Arin," Brian responds, shrugging. "He's the one with big enough balls to lie to the doctor."

They both look over at Arin, half-laughing. And Arin collapses into tears.

"Arin!" Brian and Suzy say simultaneously. They both run to him and carry him to a couch in the corner. He can't see anything, his eyesight blurry, and he gasps for breath.

"Dan," he whimpers, sobbing into his wife's shirt. "He was-- he was there, he was right there and I didn't even... I could have..."

"Shh," Suzy says, petting his hair. "It's not your fault."

"B-bu--" Arin stammers, unable to catch his breath as he speaks, "what if he... if he dies and I--"

"He's not going to die," Brian says. His voice is quiet but firm. He sounds close to tears himself. "He's going to be fine."

"Y-you can't know that," Arin argues. "I c-could have missed my only chance to make things right with him, all because I was too stubborn to go listen to him..."

Brian doesn't say anything. He just watches Arin in the waiting room, crying until he can't anymore. Finally, after Arin has been quiet for a few minutes, Brian stands. 

"I'm going to get coffee," he says. "Does anybody else want some?"

Arin and Suzy shake their heads no, and Brian is gone. 

"I told him to leave you alone," Suzy says, suddenly, as the door closes bhing Brian. 

Arin looks at her, trying to find his feet. 

"What?"

Her eyes fill with tears. 

"I left a message. On his phone. Right before this happened. I was so mad that he showed up, and I wanted..." Suzy's voice cracks, and tears start falling down her face. "What if that's the last thing I ever said to him?"

Arin wraps his arms around her. She buries her head in his chest and starts sobbing. Arin tries to stay strong, to stroke her hair and comfort her, but he starts crying too. And Suzy and Arin hold each other until they stop.

* * *

 

After that, it's a few more hours before anything happens. At one point, some police officers come in to question Arin about the crash. They ask him a bunch of things: is Dan usually a good driver? Does he speed? Has he ever talked on a cellular phone while driving? Has he ever driven while under the influence of drugs or alcohol?

Arin answers all of them honestly, until the last one. He hesitates for a moment. 

"Not to my knowledge, no," he says, hedging a bit. 

"Not to your knowledge?"

"He usually doesn't drink or anything," Arin clarifies. "But he has been the past week. But I haven't been with him, so I wouldn't know."

One of the officers writes something down, and Arin feels something hard form in the pit of his stomach. 

"To the best of your knowledge, did Dan always wear a seatbelt while driving?"

"Yes," Arin says, certainly. He tries to ignore the past tense.

The same officer makes another note, and glances at his partner. 

"What?" Arin asks, glancing between the two men. "Why do you ask? Was he not wearing his seatbelt?"

"I'm afraid not," the officer on the right says, shaking his head. 

Arin narrows his eyes. 

"If you know that, then why does it matter if he usually wears it?" His voice is loud.

The two officers glance at each other again, and one of them speaks, calmly. 

"It's just to rule out certain motivations. If your friend was behaving erratically or out of the ordinary, then that gives us some information--"

"Motivation? What kind of motivation?" Arin shakes his head violently. "Are you talking about suicide?"

"We're just trying to get information, sir," the officer on the right says, calmly. 

"But we understand this is a hard time. We can come back later," the other man says. They stand and leave the room.

"Can you believe that?" Arin asks Suzy. She's been in the corner, listening in. "You don't think he--"

"No," Suzy says, firmly. "No way."

* * *

 

Four hours later. The lights are off in the hallway, and Arin, Brian, and Suzy are all lying down on couches. The tv is on, but it's muted, casting the whole room in a hazy blue light. It's been playing the same infomercial for almost an hour, showing off the many uses of a knife that can cut every type of vegetable perfectly. 

"Are you awake?" Brian asks, softly.

"Yeah," Arin says, softly. "Are you?"

"No, Arin," Brian snarks. "I'm talking in my sleep, and I was hoping you were too. That way we can have dream conversations."

"Shut up," Arin says. His voice is hoarse from crying. 

"Okay," Brian says. And he does for a bit. They're silent, watching the magic knife grate some cheese. Then, Brian speaks again. 

"I know this is a bad time," he says. 

Arin laughs. 

"But I wanted to let you know, since... all of this made me realize..."

"I swear to god, Bri, if you say anything about how short life is--"

"I love you," Brian says, loudly. 

That shuts Arin up. 

"I know that wasn't our deal," Brian continues. "It was just physical. And I thought I was fine with that. I mean, I guess I am. But to be perfectly honest, when I got into this thing with you, I might have had ulterior motives."

Arin considers this.

"You mean, you were trying to seduce me?" he asks. 

"I wouldn't put it like that," Brian says, but Arin can tell he's hit on something. "I just wanted to be close to you. I wanted to show you how I felt. And I guess I thought that if I showed you enough, you'd start to feel the same way."

They're both silent for a few minutes. 

"I guess it was a stupid idea," Brian says, chuckling to himself. "And to think, I'm the one with a Ph.D."

"It wasn't stupid."

"It wasn't?"

"No," Arin says. His eyes are filling with tears, and he squeezes them shut, trying to put them back. He feels like he's been crying for seven years. "Because it worked."

Brian is silent. Arin wishes he could see his face, but part of him is glad he can't. It makes it easier to say what he wants to say.

"I think I love you too," Arin says.

* * *

 

It's almost 24 hours after Dan is checked in to the hospital that everyone is allowed to see him. His doctors tell the waiting party, which now includes Ross, Holly, Kati, and a couple of Dan's non-Grump friends, that the symptoms of internal bleeding have stopped. It seems as though their initial assumption of organ bruising was correct. They want to keep Dan for a few more days, but they're going to move him out of the ICU and into a more visitor friendly area of the hospital. 

But before they move him, they say that any immediate family is allowed in the room for a short visit. Dan's actual family is still across the country; Suzy and Arin called them once Dan had stabilized and told them he'd be okay. All the same, they still seemed eager to make plans to come visit as soon as their schedules allowed. 

But until then, Arin was the only one who could go in, since he had lied about his relationship to Dan. He didn't feel bad about it, though; they were dating up until a few months ago, and anyway, Dan shouldn't have to be alone right now. 

When he walks into the room, Arin's stomach turns over. Dan is attached to all sorts of wires and tubes, and a machine to his side is beeping steadily. A nurse is holding her fingers against his wrist, then she writes something down on a clipboard that she takes from the end of his bed. 

"Don't worry, dear," she says, smiling at Arin. "All that stuff is just monitoring him. We're going to take it all off before we move him."

Arin nods, smiling weakly at her. She finishes writing something down and replaces the clipboard. She puts her hand on Arin's shoulder as she leaves, an impressive feat considering she's about a foot shorter than he is. 

"Just press that button over there if you need anything," she says, gesturing toward the wall.

Then she's gone. 

And Arin is alone with Dan. 

Arin looks at him. He can't tell if he's awake. His face is pale and shiny, like plastic, but other than his sickly appearance, he looks peaceful. 

But then Arin remembers how he got here, and rage flares up in him. 

"What are you doing in here, Danny?" he asks. He can barely control his voice. "What did you do?"

Predictably, Dan doesn't say anything. 

"No, that's fine, stay quiet," Arin snaps. "You always did. That's, like, your fucking specialty." He turns around and starts pacing the room. When he looks at Dan again, he feels a pang of guilt; yelling at his ex in a hospital bed feels shitty, even given what they've been through. 

"I don't want to be mad," he says, his voice dropping. "But after everything... it's so hard, Dan. I wanted to come out to see you when you came by, but everything hurt so bad. It was easier to just pretend none of it had ever happened. To record and act like friends again and just put it all away."

He sighs and finds himself back at Dan's side. He grabs a chair from the side of the room and sits in it, putting his head in his hands. 

"Why won't you say anything?" he pleads. "Why didn't you say anything back then? I could have helped, I could have-- shit, Dan, even if I couldn't have helped, it would have been nice to have some notice!" His voice starts to choke, and he has to stop talking for a minute. 

"I know it's not my fault," Arin says, once he regains his composure. "Or yours. You can't help being so afraid of... whatever it is you're afraid of. Being gay. Being in love. Being happy. But I thought we could get through it, I thought... I thought you loved me."

Arin puts his face in his hands and takes a deep breath. 

"I do," Dan says. 

His voice is weak, and hoarse, but it rings out like thunder. Arin jumps, startled. 

"Dan," he says, looking up quickly. 

"I do love you," Dan repeats, his voice louder now. 

"Wait, it's okay, you're in the--"

"I know where I am," Dan says, trying to sit up a bit. "I woke up a while ago and they explained it to me. Car wreck, huh?"

Arin nods, then changes it to a shaking of his head. 

"You tell me," he says, spreading his hands out in front of him. 

"It was the rain," Dan says. "And I missed my turn, and I skidded... and then it's all kind of a blur."

"The police said you weren't wearing your seatbelt."

"That would explain the hospital," Dan says, jokingly. But he doesn't smile. "I've been an idiot."

Arin just nods. He can't think of anything to say. 

"But I'm glad you're here."

Arin looks up and sees Dan's face, sallow and drawn, gazing at Arin achingly. He's never seen him look at him that way before, and Arin's heart swells. 

"I'm just glad you're alive," Arin says. 

Then it's Dan's turn to nod. Arin wishes he would say something, that he would give Arin a clue that he's glad he's alive too, but he doesn't. Instead, he turns his face away like he's looking around the room, pulling his gaze away from Arin's. 

"Are you and Brian dating?" Dan asks suddenly. 

"I don't know," Arin says, truthfully. 

"But you're having sex," Dan confirms. 

"Is it really any of your business?"

Dan bristles, clearly defensive, but he doesn't argue the point. 

"No," he says. "You're right."

Arin follows Dan's eyes toward the window. It's covered in light blue window shades. It's not very interesting to look at. 

Finally, Arin can't keep it in anymore. He has to know.

"What were you going to say?" he asks. "When you came over."

"Sorry," Dan says quietly. He shifts his attention to his hands, drumming them on his knee. "I wanted to say I was sorry."

"Why?" Arin presses.

"Because I was awful to you," Dan says. He looks up for a second, and Arin can see the sincerity in his eyes before he pulls them away again, looking around the room at anything but Arin. 

"Listen. I know it sounds self-serving, but I mean it. I regret how I treated you. If I could do it over again..."

"What would you do?" Arin asks. "You'd treat me better? You'd skip it entirely?"

"I don't know," Dan says, pitifully. "I wouldn't have done it if I had known how I'd react."

"You knew perfectly well how you'd react," Arin says, bitterly. "You've been scared of the catching The Gay ever since I met you. How could either of us have convinced ourselves that this was a good idea?"

"Fuck that," Dan says. "Did I know I was scared? Sure. But all relationships are scary Arin. Maybe you forgot that, since you've been with Suzy forever, but jumping into someone new with someone you care about is always going to be fucking terrifying."

With a jolt, Arin thinks of Brian, and his feelings for him. About how scared he was to even consider that he wanted more from him. 

"But I thought that how I felt about you would mean more," Dan continues. "I thought it would make it easier. I didn't realize how much it would eat me up inside."

"Why couldn't you tell me?" Arin asks. It comes out before he has the chance to stop it. "I could have helped you. If you were so afraid--"

"I was scared of what you'd think," Dan breaks in. "I didn't want you to think that just because I was scared, it meant I didn't love you enough."

"Why would I think that?" 

"Why wouldn't you?" Dan explodes. "I sure fucking did! I just wanted to give you what you wanted, I wanted to be able to hold your hand and tell my family but I just  _ couldn't,  _ and what kind of boyfriend can't even give you that?" 

He starts breathing heavily, and Arin can see he's about to cry. He gets up from the chair and walks toward him to place his hand on Dan's. 

"I didn't need any of that," Arin says. 

"Yes you did," Dan replies flatly. "And I hate myself for not being able to give it to you."

Tears spring to Arin's eyes, and he pulls his hand away.

"Dan, do you want to kill yourself?"

"What?" Dan says, genuinely shocked. "No!"

"Are you sure?" Arin bites back his tears, examining Dan's reaction closely. "You weren't trying to kill yourself in that wreck?"

"No!" Dan says again, vehemently. He shakes his head to emphasize his point. "Not at all. But... I still think I need help. Like, professional help."

"Like a therapist?"

Arin's shocked, but for the first time 24 hours he can feel his heart starting to unknot.

"Yeah. I don't... I don't want to feel this way anymore," he says, shakily. "I'm tired of being afraid of it. I want to get better."

Arin nods and places his hand back on top of Dan's. 

"That's great, Dan," he says. "I want you to get better, too."

* * *

 

**Epilogue:**

Arin is sitting in his living room with his wife, her girlfriend, and his boyfriend, finishing a movie. It's been a drizzly sort of day, the perfect day to veg out on the couch with loved ones and do nothing. Arin is snuggled up tight between Suzy, who is chatting quietly with Holly about the movie, and Brian, who is snoring lightly next to him. 

"Wake up, old man," he teases, nudging Brian with his elbow. When Brian opens his eyes, he gestures to the credit rolling on the screen. "You missed the whole second half of the movie."

"Who cares," Brian says, rolling his eyes. "These movies are dumb. Not to mention scientifically improbable."

"Heresy!" Arin says, laughing. "You're telling me that cars can't dive out of cargo planes from hundreds of feet in the air and make it to the ground intact?"

"No, no, that's definitely possible," Brian says. "I mean the idea that Vin Diesel could get a girl as smart and talented as Michelle Rodriguez." Brian scoffs sarcastically. "Who even buys that?"

Arin laughs appreciatively. 

"Well, you don't want have watch the next movie with us," he says, getting up to grab the Blu-Ray out of the Playstation. "I can always just watch it without you... all alone..."

"Hey!" Suzy protests. 

"Yeah!" Holly chimes in.

"Okay, not alone. But without a cute boy to cuddle!"

"This is why you need another boyfriend," Brian says, raising his eyebrows meaningfully at Arin. "You're just so needy."

"Sure," Arin says, laughing. "Got anyone in mind?"

When Brian doesn't respond, Arin turns around and sees his eyes sparkling. He has a look of mischief. Arin narrows his eyes at him. 

"What?" he says, suspiciously. "DO you have anyone in mind?"

"Nevermind," Brian says, leaning forward. "Which one of these ridiculous car movies is next?"

Arin side eyes him skeptically, but he puts the next Blu Ray into the player. 

However, before he can start it, he hears a car pull up outside. 

"Is that Ross?" he asks, peeking out the window.

Holly shakes her head. 

"He's still at his meeting, I think," she says.

Arin can't see the driveway from the window, so he heads to the door to check it out. When he opens it to see out, his heart does a little flip. 

It's Dan.

Arin hasn't seen him a lot lately. Between working on the album with Brian seeing his therapist, he's only seen Arin while recording.

But he's here now.

He's standing in the front yard. Holding a boombox over his head. 

But it's not playing anything. 

Instead, Dan just starts singing. 

_ "I never meant to be so bad to you. One thing I swore that I would never do." _

Arin inhales sharply, and for a second he feels lightheaded as he recognizes the song. Dan is singing it softly and slowly. Just like he always said he would.

_ "One look from you and I would fall from grace. And that would wipe the smile right from my face." _

Arin steps out into the yard, his knees shaking. He's vaguely aware of everyone else in the house coming to the door to see what's going on, but for the moment, he doesn't care about that.

_ "Do you remember when he used to dance? And incidents arose from circumstance. One thing led to another, we were young. And we would scream together songs unsung." _

The rain is letting up, but as Arin steps closer, he can see the raindrops dripping from Dan's hair and onto his clothes. He can't tear his eyes away. His strides grow faster, and Dan's voice starts to waver.

_ "It was the heat of the moment, telling me what my heart meant," _ Dan sings, his voice soft and thin. His voice cracks, and he practically whispers, " _ The heat of the moment shone in your eyes."  _

And now Arin is right in front of Dan, just a breath away. The rain has stopped entirely. 

Dan flicks his eyes down nervously, and then, finally, he lowers the boombox. 

"Why the boombox?" Arin asks, tilting his head to the side. Their noses almost bump together, but he can't bring himself to back away. "It didn't even play anything."

"From Say Anything?" Dan says, surprised. "You know, he plays Peter Gabriel--"

"That old 80's movie?" Arin says, cracking a smile.

"I mean, I wouldn't call it old--"

"No, it's old," Arin interrupts. "Just like you."

"Great," Dan says, smiling nervously. "Kick a guy at his most vulnerable. I only just bared my soul to you on your front lawn."

"Was that what that was? I thought it was you showing off a single from your new cover album."

Dan throws one arm up in exasperation. 

"It was supposed to be romantic."

"It was?" Arin says, feigning ignorance. He's having a little too much fun teasing him.

"I'm trying to win you back, here, Arin! Because I'm like, crazy in love with you."

Arin nods, solemnly. 

"I see," he says. "I'm not sure you did a very good job."

For the first time, Arin is reminded of their audience when he hears Suzy and Holly quietly groan in disappointment. He glances back and sees them all standing there, watching. Brian cups his hands around his mouth and yells.

"C'mon! Give him a chance!"

Arin turns back to Dan. He looks apprehensive.

"But I'm willing to let you try again," Arin says.

As Arin watches, Dan's face breaks out into a grin.

"As many times as you let me," he mutters, bringing his face close to Arin's. 

Arin can feel his face turning red as their audience starts clapping, Brian bringing his fingers to his lips and letting out a high pitched whistle. Arin laughs, unable to hold it in, and leads Dan into the house by the hand as the sun peeks out from behind the clouds.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> My great mixer: http://musicaleurydice.tumblr.com  
> My super talented artist: http://wispmotherr.tumblr.com


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